You drew stars around my scars

Postnatal depression

When Emmeline was about 3 months old, Taylor felt a fog coming over her body. Life became harder to cope with, everything was hard work and she was exhausted.

When she spoke to her friends about it, everyone assured her that the first few months with a new baby was exhausting – that she was normal for feeling like this but deep down she knew something wasn't right. She knew it wasn't normal to resent your baby like this, to wish that somebody else could take them for a bit just so you could get some rest and feel some sense of normality. When she searched for information, she realised she was probably suffering from post natal depression.

Everywhere online said to reach out for help, but Taylor couldn't bring herself to – couldn't admit she was really struggling. Couldn't admit she wasn't 'the perfect parent' who was doing it all. So she plodded along, struggling and falling deeper into her depression.

Jessica noticed the change in Taylor, but she couldn't say when it had started. It had been a slow process, small parts of Taylor fading away until she was as she is now. It didn't happen overnight and Jessica didn't know how worried she should be. Taylor had just had a baby, some changes were bound to happen. Plus – Taylor was doing it all alone, of course she was going to be more exhausted.

One morning, Jessica woke up and the familiar noise of Emmeline fussing was carrying through the house. As the teen made her way down stairs she heard Taylor's voice and she froze. She crept down slowly, making sure she made no noise. She turned the corner slowly and saw Taylor's back to her. The blonde was pulling at her hair slightly "PLEASE please, SHUT UP. I have given you everything you need. You've been fed, you've been changed. You have slept. I've been rocking you for the past fucking hour. There is literally nothing else you could want right now!"

The baby continued to cry, and Taylor threw her head back "seriously...what do you have to cry about?! I am the one who is exhausted....do you know what? I cannot do this right now"

Taylor laid the baby down in her bouncer "You can lay there. I cannot be with you right now"

Taylor walked away to the kitchen, hot tears spilling down her face.

Jessica frowned and walked over to the baby, lifting her up gently and rocking her. The cries died down and Jessica saw her eyes closing. She continued to sway for the next 5 minutes until the baby was finally asleep. She laid her down gently and slowly, making sure not to wake her up. She quietly made her way to the kitchen "Hey Tay...Emmeline is asleep"

Taylor's head shot up at the teen's voice, wiping her tears away furiously "Hey. That's good. Did you sleep OK?"

Jessica nodded, her voice hesitant "are you OK tay?"

Taylor looked up at her, blinking away her tears "Me? Yeah of course!"

Jessica stepped closer "I heard you get frustrated with Emmeline..."

Taylor shook her head "I'm just tired... I haven't slept. I just needed a break"

Jessica smiled "I can help..."

Taylor smiled kindly at her "baby you don't have to do that. You're a child – it's not your responsibility to help me"

Jessica frowned slightly, her tone serious "I can help though – you don't have to do it all alone. I love spending time with Emmeline – if you want to go and nap I can watch her"

Taylor stepped closer "I love you and thank you for saying that but no, I'll be fine. It's not your fault I'm a useless Mum. I am going to go and tidy upstairs while she is napping though. Come and get me if you need me?"