You drew stars around my scars

The letter

Taylor had decided to start to have a clear out of her bedroom – she felt that since having Emmeline she had accumulated so much 'stuff' and her brain was beginning to feel cluttered having to see it all around.

When she was clearing out her bedroom, she was methodically working through items. Some she wanted to keep – some could be thrown away. She could feel a lightness returning as she was beginning to throw out a lot of the unnecessary junk that was laying around.

She reached into her drawer and her hand closed round an envelope. Instantly her heart dropped as she realised what it was.

She pulled it out, staring at it for a few seconds. It was a thin and small envelope but the significance was so huge that it felt heavy.

Taylor scurried away to her bathroom, clutching the letter to her chest as she locked the door. She didn't want to be interrupted as she read it.

As she sat down on the floor against the door, she sighed, looking carefully at the envelope – trying to decide whether she really wanted to do this. It was the letter Jessica had written her on the day she tried to end her life.

Taylor's mind flashed back to when she came home to gather Jessica's belongings for her hospital stay when she saw them all sitting there. Taylor had hidden it away – unable to look at it when it was still so raw, but life had happened and she had forgotten about it. She hadn't touched it since, feeling too scared to unpack all of those emotions but finally, she felt ready now.

Her hands were shaking as she undid the back of the envelope. She pulled the piece of paper out – tears already gathering in her eyes from the enormity of the situation. She knew how desperate Jessica felt in that moment – she had seen it when her and Tree walked in. But to read it? To have the girls 'final' words to her? It was terrifying.

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes – skimming the letter quickly.

When she had skimmed over it, she folded the piece of paper, clutching it to her chest tightly.

She could feel her breathing speeding up and the tears began to slip down her cheeks. She knew she needed to read it again – taking in some of the lines that mattered the most to her.

She swiped at the tears on her cheeks and opened the letter slowly again – biting her lip to try and stop them from falling.

I want to start this by saying that you really do the best for us all. I hope you know that.

Taylor's heart was already pounding and she had to take a couple of deliberately deep breaths to stop herself from panicking more. Her eyes focused on the next line – her heart clenching with the memories of that day.

I'm sorry I lied to get you out the house but I knew you couldn't be the one to find me. I know that would destroy you. It's better this way. Please don't be mad.

Taylor shook her head, even in what she thought were her final moments, the teen was still thinking of everyone else. Taylor hopes she knows that she is never mad at her – not really. She sighed, thinking that it would have destroyed her if the teen had died.

I feel like I am fighting a war in my head everyday. I am so tired and I hate that I take that out on you in so many horrible ways.

Taylor wiped her tears away again, her chest feeling like it was being squeezed. Taylor knew not to take any of Jessica's frustrations personally – she was fighting a bigger battle. The thing that scared Taylor the most though was that Jessica was still fighting a war in her head everyday. Did this mean she still felt like this?!

Me doing this wasn't a reflection on you. You are amazing. I just know I couldn't keep on burdening you with this. Do NOT blame yourself. I am going to be with mum – I am going to be at peace.

Taylor felt torn now – would the teen ever feel truly at peace without her Mum? She tried to give the teen stability and love, she just hoped it was enough...

I know I am doing the right thing because when I think about it, I finally feel that sense of peace and I know that it will be worth it.

I know that you think I am fixable but I am not – my hate for myself is stronger than your love for me.

Tears flowed freely now – Taylor didn't even try to stop them. She shook her head again, thinking about how wrong the teen was. Taylor's love for her trumped everything – any negative emotion that Jessica was feeling. Taylor's heart clenched as she replayed the last few months in her head, hoping that she had proved to the teen how fiercely she was loved. Taylor knew she would never give up on the teen, but she knew she needed to make sure the teen knew that too.

I hope this gives you more time with Emmeline, but importantly I hope this doesn't change the way you parent Emmeline. You can't turn into a helicopter parent. She would hate that and I would hate to have done that to you. You're a great Mum Tay.

Taylor smiled softly, knowing that she was proud of her parenting of both Jessica AND Emmeline.

Her eyes skipped to the final line

I am so lucky to have been loved by you. I will love you forever.

Taylor smiled, thinking in her head 'no, I will love YOU forever, but you don't get to leave me'

She glanced to the bottom of the page – seeing an added bonus

P.S. the password to my phone is 101326. I have deleted most things off there but there are some great pictures of you and Emmeline – make sure you get them off there.

Taylor laughed lightly – even in those final few seconds, the teen was thinking about her phone and Taylor giggled at her obsession with technology.

As the laugh escaped her lips, it turned into a sob then she couldn't stop.

She was sitting on the floor, crying big ugly cries. She was sobbing so hard she couldn't catch a breath.

She was overcome with sadness for the teen – knowing that is how she felt in those moments when she was alone.

Taylor knew it was unfair that the teen had been through so much, but she was also SO proud of how far she had come.

She seemed stronger now – she was a funny, cheeky teen whose determination never failed to amaze those around her.

Taylor smiled thinking about how resilient the teen really was. She knew the teen would be ok – with the right help and support going forwards.

When her cries had died down, Taylor washed her face and waited until it wasn't obvious she had been crying. She crept out, hiding the letter again before heading downstairs. She saw Jessica lounging on the sofa and headed over – giving her a big kiss and cuddle. Jessica looked at her, a confused expression on her face "are you ok?"

Taylor nodded, forcing a smile on her face "As long as I have you, I am ok"

Jessica cuddled into Taylor more – finding comfort in her warm embrace.

Taylor kissed her head again, whispering "I love you forever...."