You drew stars around my scars

Christmas

Christmas was just around the corner, Taylor's birthday had been and gone, they'd celebrated with family and friends and the reality that the first Christmas without her Mum was really happening was hitting Jessica hard.

Jessica had spent many Christmases with Taylor and her family – since it had been just her and her Mum they often travelled to be with Taylor so she wasn't nervous about being around strangers – just more the emotions of passing a major holiday without her Mum.

Taylor could sense Jessica's anxiety was heightened. The teen had become accustomed to their daily routine and was beginning to settle into that but suddenly the change in routine was unsettling her. On Christmas Eve Jessica began to seek reassurance constantly about who was coming, what they were eating, what she should wear. Taylor pulled her into a side hug "I promise Buddy, it's all going to be ok. It's going to be you, me, my Mum, my Dad and Austin – that's all". The teen nodded "But your Mum is cooking?". Taylor swallowed – knowing that so far Jessica had begun to refuse anything that Taylor herself had not cooked "Yes Buddy – my Mum is cooking, but I'll be helping her and I'll make sure she gives you the right amount of food. There is nothing to worry about – you've had hundreds of meals with us all, you're going to be just fine." Jessica nodded, blinking back the tears that had gathered in her eyes.

On Christmas morning Jessica padded into Taylor's room quietly and snuck into her bed, the Blonde felt her and pulled her into a tight hug "Merry Christmas Baby". The teen breathed in Taylor's sweet, familiar smell "Merry Christmas Tay". They lay quietly for a few minutes before Taylor pushed herself up "big day today, shall we go and see if you've got any presents?". Jessica smiled widely – swallowing down the anxiety that was growing around her. She followed Taylor into the living room, gasping as she saw the pile of gifts awaiting her. She tore through them all, grinning at all of the thoughtful gifts Taylor had put the time into selecting. Taylor opened the gifts that Jessica had brought her (with the help of Andrea) and then they went upstairs to get ready to go to Andrea's house.

Taylor had picked them dresses that didn't match but complimented each other – she had tried to persuade the teen into matching her but was shot down. The blonde had made sure to pick dresses that were comfortable and not restrictive – not wanting Jessica to feel any more self conscious than she already did. Taylor ran her fingers through the teen's hair, braiding it neatly at Jessica's request then she helped the teen to apply some light make up – hoping it would make her feel more confident today. When she was done Jessica stood in front of Taylor's full length mirror – staring at her reflection. Taylor came up behind her, pulling her into a soft hug "you look beautiful. I know today is hard for you – if you need time out, you come and get me ok?" Jessica nodded "Thanks Tay, and just...thanks for everything. I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for you. I will never be able to thank you enough for what you've done." Taylor shook her head "you have nothing to thank me for. Your Mum would be so proud of you, you know that?". Jessica bit on her lip harshly trying to stop herself from crying and Taylor took that as her signal to get going – she ushered them both downstairs and towards the car – bundled up with gifts for Taylor's family.

As soon as they arrived Andrea pulled them into a hug and swiftly offered them some of her Christmas biscuits – Taylor took two, quickly handing one to the teen – Jessica attempted to smile but it came out more like a grimace and Taylor squeezed her hand to reassure her she'd be ok.

The treats continued throughout the morning and Taylor could sense Jessica becoming more reluctant to eat each one – she politely declined everything after the biscuit. She took Jessica off discreetly to the kitchen "It's nearly snack time buddy – I have some bits in my bag or you can have one of my mum's muffins, would what you prefer?" Jessica shook her head "I ate a biscuit!" her voice had a high panicky tone to it and Taylor purposefully countered with an even, soothing voice to bring her back down "You did, but that wasn't enough and you haven't had breakfast today. You need a snack. You can have one of your usual things or you can have a Christmas treat – it's up to you. You have control to pick" Jessica played with her fingers, delaying slightly "Tay, I don't want it. I am going to have a huge Christmas dinner – there is just too much." Just at that moment Andrea came into the kitchen, checking on her food prep. Taylor took a deep breath "Mum, can Jess have one of these muffins?" Andrea nodded gladly "of course, help yourself." Taylor attempted to pass it to her but Jessica just stared at it, there was a tense few seconds of silence before Jessica whispered "If I start, I won't stop." Taylor frowned "what Buddy?". Jessica mumbled, embarrassed "if I start eating the treats, I won't know how to stop. I'd rather just stick to what I know." Taylor nodded and thought for a few seconds "I am not going to push you – I want today to be as painless as possible for you. But I promise you, you would stop – it's not an all or nothing. You deserve to enjoy some treats on the holidays, you are worthy of that. You have control to try something new and not spiral into a binge. I am here too to support you" Jessica nodded "maybe, can we share one?" Taylor nodded "we can, but you need to have half a cereal bar too." Jessica's nod of confirmation was so small Taylor barely saw it but the pride swelled through her. She wanted to jump up and down and celebrate but instead she calmly cut one of the muffins in half and passed it to Jessica, watching as the teen took a small bite, then another, then another. The blonde smiled warmly and glanced at her Mum who was also grinning widely.

They all went and joined Scott and Austin and opened their gifts, the teen was overwhelmed again at all the generosity towards her and began to feel guilty. If her Mum was here – they wouldn't have to worry so much about incorporating her into their family. They'd always brought her gifts, but this was so much more than normal. She thanked them all profusely and stayed stuck to Taylor's side, feeling anxious and jittery while trying to fight the feeling of sadness creeping over her. Taylor could tell the teen was struggling and didn't fight to push her to integrate more, knowing right now she just needed comfort.

Andrea was cooking and Taylor assisting, Taylor had managed to leave Jessica with her brother, playing a new board game while she helped. Andrea kissed Taylor's head, pulling her into a hug "How are you doing today?" Taylor shrugged "I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to explode – I can see she's anxious and I'm not surprised – it's her first Christmas without her Mum but I just don't know how to make it any better." Andrea nodded "you're doing everything you can – you're there for her, you're letting her take it at her pace. It's hard but she will get through it" Taylor smiled sadly "it's days like this I just don't know how much to push – I can literally feel her body shaking with anxiety but I'm still forcing her to choke down a muffin....it feels cruel". Andrea paused for a second "food for Jessica is non-negotiable. Her ways of coping with anxiety are unhealthy – they're to restrict food or to exercise. You're helping her to change the channel in her brain. That means forcing her to do things that might not feel comfortable. You're not doing it to be cruel – you're doing it to keep her safe." Taylor nodded, knowing her Mum was right "I guess – I just know there is nothing worse than having to try and eat when you're so anxious. It's different for her though, it's a slippery slope down into restricting I guess. I just need to be firm." Andrea squeezed her hand "you're both doing fine. It's still all very new to you both".

Andrea finished cooking and called everyone into the kitchen to dish up their food, Taylor turned her attention to Jessica "what do you want Buddy? A little bit of everything?" Jessica looked at all the food, a panicked expression taking over her face. She glanced around at everyone in the room, feeling the pressure "Can I just have the same as you?". Taylor nodded and smiled softly "sure buddy. Why don't you get us some water and sit down, I'll bring the food over, ok?" Jessica nodded and did as she was told. A few minutes later Taylor came over, carrying two plates of food – she handed one to Jessica who quickly glanced between the two plates, Taylor noticed the terrified look on her face "they're both the same Buddy, exactly the same food, exactly the same amount". Jessica nodded and tried to appear more calm, Austin plopped himself down next to Jessica, smiling kindly at her. Jessica was becoming more quiet and withdrawn as everyone sat down, Taylor caught her eye, attempting to reassure her without drawing attention to the young girl, she imitated taking a deep breath which Jessica quickly copied. The meal went as well as could be expected – Jessica ate almost everything on the plate without fuss, only stopping when she really was so full she couldn't eat more. Taylor had kept her by her side since, noticing the anxiety still radiating off her. Taylor tried to get the girl to sit down and relax but Jessica was jittery and was trying to move at every opportunity, finally when everyone else was out of earshot Taylor turned to the girl "I know you're full and uncomfortable right now, but I promise it'll pass. You have done so well today, but you need to rest – your body is worthy of rest. You do not need to exercise just because you feel you have eaten too much. Do you hear me?" The teen nodded meekly and finally sat still, allowing Taylor to pull her into a hug on the sofa. Soon they were both curled up, sleeping soundly, oblivious to the noise around them. Andrea glanced over and smiled gently, she took her phone out – snapped a quick picture and sent it to Taylor, ready for when she woke up.

After about 30 minutes Taylor awoke and tried not to disturb the sleeping girl gripped in her embrace, she shifted slightly – looking around at her family and then glanced at her phone. She grinned at the picture and quickly posted it to Instagram "This is what Christmas is all about".