You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 12

The next morning they were relaxing at the house, passing the time before the appointment. Taylor was sitting at her piano, her fingers gliding effortlessly against the keys – her soft music filling the room. Jessica sat listening and she's not sure if it was the sad melody or the anxiety about her appointment but Jessica could feel a lump in her throat and her chest getting tighter. She tried to calm herself but her heart started racing and she could feel herself getting shaky as she attempted to get the blonde's attention "Tay...Taylor" the panic was increasing and Taylor's head whipped up just as the young girl reached out for her "Hey, you're ok. It's ok" Taylor cupped the young girls face, trying to get her to focus on her face "just take a nice deep breath, come on – you can do it" the young girl shook her head, terror flashing through her eyes. Taylor smiled sadly but nodded "yes you can, I know you can. Come on – follow my breathing – in" she demonstrated the deepest breath she could manage then held it, still locking eyes with the teen "and out... come on – that's it, you're doing it, you're ok. Good girl, well done. You're ok" The woman pulled the young girl close to her, wrapping her in a comforting hug and whispering reassurance. When the girl had finally got full control of her breathing Taylor pulled back slightly, concern evident across her face as she surveyed the girls face, she pushed her hair off her forehead and then kissed her forehead gently. "I love you so much, I am so proud of you" They sat in silence for a few moments before Taylor spoke again "what caused that panic attack buddy?". The teen bit her lip and mumbled "I dunno, just everything I guess". Taylor put her fingers under the girls chin, forcing her to look up "Everything? Talk to me". The girl shrugged slightly "I feel sad and overwhelmed. I feel guilty for feeling sad when you're trying so hard to help me. I just feel like I've lost all control of everything and I just want everything to go back to normal. I don't want to have to feel so bad about eating all the time." Taylor cupped the teen's face, rubbing her thumb across her cheek softly "It's ok to admit you're struggling – it's ok to say you're nervous. I'm not going to be mad. I'm sure things are overwhelming right now. What we need to focus on is how we manage that – how we help you get through this. If this is going to work, we need you to be honest. No more hiding things, deal?" The teen smiled softly and nodded quickly. Taylor patted her leg softly "Ok, let's go and get ready – we need to get going soon"

They walked into the room, Jessica clutched onto Taylor's arm anxiously as she saw all the professionals sitting there. There was the doctor, the psychologist, the therapist and the dietician all sitting there, notepads open awaiting the verdict of the first week together. Taylor guided the teen into one of the two empty chairs, still holding her hand tightly, rubbing her thumb across the back of her hand. The doctor smiled widely at them "So, how has this first week been then?" Taylor looked at the girl, waiting to see if she answered, when it became obvious she wasn't going to kick off the conversation Taylor turned back to the panel of professionals "it's been a challenge. Mealtimes are very heated. I never know how long we should sit there before we give up on that meal. It's...all very new" all the professionals nodded sympathetically before turning to the teen "Jessica? How have you found this week?" She chewed her lip pensively before speaking up "It's been horrible. All the meals have been too high in fat – nothing has been healthy. It's too much food and I can't physically eat it. I'm just being set up to fail."

The dietician took the lead here – "I can see why you would feel like that – but you need to eat a certain amount of calories for you to recover. As for the nutritional breakdown of the meals you have been having, I have reviewed what Taylor said you have had and it doesn't have a high fat content. It is a healthy, balanced plan but it is just a higher fat content than you would choose to eat". The words settled in the room, Taylor humming her agreement while the girl had to stop herself from rolling her eyes – it didn't matter what she had to say, they had an answer for everything.

The Doctor then started up again "I think that's an important question you raised though Taylor – how long do you sit there for meals currently?" The two of you looked at each other before Taylor grimaced "it really can be anything, we did spend over and hour and a half for lunch one day before I realised we weren't getting anywhere with it" The Doctor nodded and jotted this down in her notepad, "I think then, we need to set some rules. Let's work off of what you would have if you were in an inpatient unit. There we give 15 minutes for snacks, 30 minutes for breakfast and lunch and 40 minutes for dinner. As soon as that time is up, the food is taken away and the meal is logged." You smirked slightly, planning on just dragging out the meals but Taylor was once again too wise for this, "So what happens when she isn't finishing the meals in that time? Surely she can't just have nothing?". The dietician looked between everyone in the room before taking the lead again "Jessica has to meet her meal plan. If she is not doing that because she is refusing food or not finishing in the set time this will all be logged. We will then review it each week. If there is a consistent theme we will consider supplements. If that doesn't work then we would move to inpatient treatment." She looked directly at the sullen teen now "Eating is not an option. One way or another you need to meet your nutritional intake. If you are not doing that – you will leave us no choice but to send you to the hospital." Taylor nodded quickly, preparing herself for the coming battles ahead while Jessica withdrew into herself even more. She shut off for the rest of the meeting, barely listening as they planned out her life. She tuned back in as they discussed medications, deciding they would start her on an antidepressant and another vitamin to help absorb calories. The anxiety bubbled up inside her again but she thought better of voicing her concerns here - she knew it would be better to wait until her and Taylor were alone – she stood more of a chance of convincing Taylor to change the plan if she was alone.

As the two of them got back into the car after the meeting Jessica immediately started crying, she didn't know why – nothing specific had triggered it but she just felt so overwhelmed. Taylor pulled her into a hug and let her cry into her shoulder, whispering reassurance and words of comfort. Eventually Taylor pulled back, cupping the young girls face in her hands "what's wrong buddy?"

Jessica took a big shaky breath "everything just feel so...so out of control!" the tears threatened to fall again and Taylor looked at her sympathetically "I promise you, it will get better. It all feels out of control now because you were using food and your body as a way to control things when life felt out of control. But that's not really having control of your life – I know you can't see that right now but we are going to get you healthy, teach you some strong coping mechanisms and you will look back on this and be so proud of yourself for being so brave."