You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 15

The next morning the atmosphere was awkward. Jessica was subdued and nervous as she waited for the appointment this afternoon and Taylor was tiptoeing around the girl – scared to upset her. She was beginning to feel out of her depth with managing this and knew she needed to speak to the doctor about it this afternoon to see what else they could offer.

Taylor sat her down on the sofa and Jessica fiddled with her fingers nervously, Taylor held both her hands "Jess, tell me what happened yesterday?". Jessica looked down at her lap, Taylor didn't think she was going to answer but finally she did "I don't know. It was all ok then that voice in my head just told me that you were trying to find a way to get the calories in me and although logically I knew touching it would make no difference I couldn't quite believe it. When you put it on my hand I just freaked out and panicked – I didn't know you were going to do it and I just freaked out. It all spiralled from there and everything was just screaming at me to burn off some calories. So I started exercising – I know I shouldn't have done it. I just felt like I lost control, again." Taylor nodded, listening intently, "You have to let me help you and sometimes that means just trusting me. You're not always going to like how I do it, in fact sometimes you're going to really hate me for it – but remember this is for your own good" Jessica nodded and leaned in for a hug. Taylor quickly checked her phone. "I am going to go and get ready for this appointment and when I come down I'll make us lunch". Jessica nodded but the minute Taylor left the room she jumped up and quickly made two sandwiches, one for her and one for Taylor. She poured them both some orange juice and set the plates and glasses down on the table.

Methodically she then picked up her sandwich and tore it into small pieces, making sure there were crumbs all over the plate. She wiped some of the butter onto the edge of the plate, smearing it slightly. She checked the plate to make sure it looked like it had been used then she quickly picked up all but one small piece of the sandwich and quickly ran and flushed it down the toilet. She went back to the kitchen and lifted the glass of orange juice to her lips, she let the yellow liquid touch her lips then she quickly set it down and poured it down the sink. She left one small sip in the glass. Just as she sat down again Taylor entered the kitchen, she looked at the plates on the table – a frown evident on her face.

Jessica picked up the last bite of the sandwich, hesitating before putting it in her mouth "I made lunch for us so you didn't have to. We both have the same" She quickly chewed the last bite of sandwich and held her breath while she waited for a response. Taylor had an uneasy feeling but looked at the plate then the glass.- she could see they had both been used. She moved over to the bin, checking inside quickly before realising Jessica hadn't thrown her food away. She wasn't 100% sure what had happened but she had no proof, she sat down next to Jessica and picked up her own lunch "Thanks buddy". They sat in silence as Taylor finished eating, Jessica's heart was racing with the adrenaline of getting away with it.

When Taylor had finished they went upstairs and Taylor sat while Jessica got dressed for the appointment, she had been letting Jess have a bit of space after meals – usually while she tidied up but today Taylor was uneasy about leaving her alone when she had no idea what she had actually done with the food.

Jessica was desperate to drink a couple of glasses of water prior to the appointment but she was too nervous to alert Taylor so she went without.

The drive to the clinic was silent and awkward – both of them lost in their thoughts. Jessica began to jiggle her leg in the car – not wanting to be still and lazy when she could be moving and burning extra calories. Taylor noticed immediately and put one hand on jessica's thigh – a gentle nudge to stop and rest.

They pulled up to the clinic and climbed out, Taylor wrapped one arm around Jessica as they walked in together – this time they were shown straight back into the clinic room with the Doctor. Before they had even sat down the Doctor asked Jessica to step over to the scales, she had the teen turn around again so she couldn't see her own weight. Jessica's legs were shaking slightly as she stepped up, she stared at the Doctor's face as she read the number but she couldn't read her expression at all. The doctor wrote it down and showed Taylor quickly while the teen walked over to sit next to her. Taylor's expression was also unreadable – just a quick nod to acknowledge she had seen it.

Jessica sat down and Taylor reached over, squeezing her hand gently, she rubbed her thumb over the back of Jessica's hand – attempting to soothe the young girl.

The doctor asked how the week went – Jessica skimmed around the details then Taylor went in and was very specific about the difficulties they had faced. She admitted she was concerned Jessica wasn't making any progress and that she felt she was actually getting worse. Jessica pulled her hand away from Taylor when she spoke – feeling betrayed by the blonde's honesty to the Doctor.

Finally the doctor turned to Jessica, "I would agree with Taylor – your weight remains very low and you are not gaining as much as we would expect you to with your meal plan. I'd like to get some routine bloods – they can give us a great insight into a lot of factors" Jessica's eyes widened and Taylor stifled a smirk as she knew exactly what the young girl was thinking. When the doctor left the room to see if they could get a nurse to do the bloods now the young girl turned towards the blonde woman "they're going to stick another needle into my vein!'' Taylor rolled her eyes playfully "you'll survive! I'll hold your hand the entire time"

The blood test was uneventful and soon they were on their way home, Jessica nursing a slightly sore arm.

Later that afternoon Taylor's phone rang, making the pair jump. Jessica tried to see who was calling but Taylor got up and walked away as she answered the call. Jessica tried to hear what was being said but could only make out Taylor's side of the conversation and she wasn't saying much. Taylor hung up the phone and made her way back to the sofa. She faced Jessica and took both the girls hands into her own, she sighed loudly and looked up before beginning "it's time to be really honest now buddy – have you been purging after meals?". Jessica wasn't expecting this at all – she didn't know she would get caught, her mouth opened and closed but nothing came out, no words would form. She shook her head but her reaction already told Taylor everything she needed to know "Your blood tests showed your electrolytes were all deranged and the doctor said that its caused by purging after meals. Sweetheart they said you're at risk of a heart attack – they want you to go into hospital." Jessica shook her head furiously, attempting to protest but Taylor beat her to it "No you don't get to refuse this – if they say you need to go to the hospital then you need to go the hospital. It's just to have some fluids and an ECG, they just want to monitor you for a day or so – you're not being admitted. This is just to keep you safe." Jessica whispered as tears built up in her eyes "you're not going to have me admitted if I go?" Taylor shook her head "No, I wouldn't spring that on you. But what you are doing is serious – it is dangerous and we can't let this go on forever – at some point we will have to acknowledge that I'm not enough for you. But I would only ever let that happen if I thought we had tried everything else first, ok?"