You drew stars around my scars

Self harm

Jessica was still silently struggling with self harm. She had become much better at hiding it, knowing that Taylor would stop her if she knew what was going on.

The teen mostly used her thighs and stomach now. They were always covered up and Taylor would never know.

She knew that it wasn't a healthy coping mechanism but it also felt like the only way to cope right now. She was taking her antidepressants, she was going to the treatment centre, she was eating and gaining weight – she was doing exactly what everyone told her she had to do and her self harm was the only way she could deal with the emotional fall out of it– the only way she felt she had any control.

The teen was cutting more. Burning didn't give her the same rush as actually seeing the blood pour out.

Taylor had noticed that Jessica seemed more down and she made a mental note to speak to the therapist to see if a dose adjustment was needed on the teen's antidepressants to help improve her mood again. Jessica denied that anything was wrong whenever she was asked but Taylor felt she was constantly low in mood, she had no interest in doing anything – wanting to just lay in bed or on the sofa. She also found Jessica was more tearful but the teen kept saying it was just hormones or that she was tired following the treatment centre.

On Tuesday night, Jessica had dinner with Taylor like normal but she was very quiet, she felt drained from the treatment centre today and as Taylor kept chatting to her, she felt her frustration rising – wanting to just be left alone and to eat in peace. She nodded and answered at all the right times but inside she could feel the anger building up. As soon as they were done, they sat in the living room together and Taylor turned towards the teen "are you sure you're ok tonight?"

Jessica resisted the urge to roll her eyes "I'm fine – I am just SO tired. I don't have any energy left in me and I just want to go up to bed."

Even her voice was flat and emotionless and Taylor sighed but nodded "OK. Well once you've sat down here for the 30 minutes you can go up to bed. Do you want me to do something to help distract you or shall we just watch some TV until you can head up?"

Jessica shrugged "TV is fine. I am not feeling sad or bad, I'm just tired Tay"

The blonde nodded, flicking the TV on – silently hoping the teen would lose track of time and stay with her just so she could keep an eye on her.

Unfortunately, exactly 30 minutes later, Jessica sat upright "can I go upstairs now?"

Taylor forced a fake smile, "of course – do you want me to come up with you for a bit?"

Jessica shook her head "No – I just want to stick some TV on and drift off to sleep. I'll see you in the morning Tay, goodnight"

Taylor kissed her head gently "night baby. Sleep well. Call me if you need anything"

Jessica stood slowly, trudging upstairs – feeling like her body was made of lead – everything seemed more difficult than normal.

As the teen closed the door to her bedroom, she sat down on the bed and rubbed her face. She had felt the anxiety building and building today and she knew that the familiar outlet was the only way she could distract herself – the only way she could feel anything but this paralysing terror. She tried to delay it, washing her face, brushing her teeth and getting into clean PJ's but she could feel the familiar itch to hurt herself in the background at all times. As she laid down in bed, her leg began bouncing anxiously. She sat on the edge of the bed, deciding that if she counted to 100 and still wanted to cut, then she would let herself. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10—