You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 25

Taylor arrived home, wanting to have a shower – drink some wine and cry. Instead she groaned as she saw her Mum's car in her driveway.

She walked through the front door and realised there was more than 1 person here – she followed the voices through to the kitchen and walked in to see her Mum cooking with Tree sitting there chatting to her. Both of them turned towards Taylor, their expression turning to concern when they saw her face. Andrea put her wooden spoon down "What's happened darling? Is Jessica ok?". Taylor rubbed her face and sighed "she's ok – but today has been awful." Tree motioned for her to sit down and Taylor flopped dramatically into the chair. She grimaced as she spoke "So I went to the hospital and immediately could see that she had lost more weight – she was saying she was hating being there – which is no surprise but then the doctor came in, said she wasn't eating at all and they wanted to put an NG tube in" Taylor glanced between the two women, watching as their eyes widened, she carried on – her voice trembling "I begged them to give me time, so they agreed to let Jessica try one more time, they gave her a lunch – she pretended to eat it all but she had been faking the entire time. They literally held her down – 5 nurses on her – and put the tube in. It was awful". Tree frowned "I'm sorry Tay – that's rough – are you ok?" Taylor shrugged her shoulders – unable to answer honestly without processing it all first.

She quickly turned her attention back to the two women in her kitchen "anyway – what are you two doing here?". Andrea and Tree glanced at each other momentarily before Tree spoke up "I'm guessing you haven't been online today?" Taylor shook her head, an anxious feeling building in her stomach as she waited for Tree to continue "well. There is some photos circulating of you entering the hospital – somebody followed you and saw you going to the eating disorder unit. It is absolutely everywhere. Good news is that nobody knows about Jessica's admission. Bad news is everyone thinks you have relapsed." Taylor gritted her teeth and groaned, leaving her head hanging in her hands for a couple of minutes "They see a photo of that and assume I've relapsed?! How is that the immediate conclusion?!"

Andrea stared at Taylor, pity in her eyes "They're saying you have clearly lost weight and that you look exhausted. They've seen that and made the wrong assumption."

Taylor looked at Tree "So what do we do?". The redhead didn't miss a beat "that depends on if you're prepared to talk about Jessica. If you are – easy. If you're not then the only way I can see around it is to put a statement saying we will not comment on personal circumstances/health. But it will mean they will continue to speculate. You will need to be seen out and about looking healthier, I will plant other stories to deflect. It's not going to disappear overnight though". Taylor slammed her hands down onto the table "FUCK! FUUUUUUCCK."

Both of them looked at her with sympathy written across their faces as the blonde pondered her choice "Well, I'm not going to comment on Jessica – that's her story to tell. So I guess we just refuse to comment and hope it dies down soon. I'm going to be going back though every day so we need to try and be more discreet." Tree nodded along, tapping away on her phone getting things organised. Taylor's anger grew as she sat there "ALSO, Who the fuck are they to comment on my body? I thought knowing my story they'd be more fucking sensitive. Besides they're making rumours out of nothing AGAIN." Andrea frowned "well you have lost weight – but yes, that's nobody's business". Taylor rolled her eyes "not a lot, not to the point it's noticeable.." the tension was thick in the room as Taylor's expression challenged them to argue with her. Tree was never one to shy away from being honest though "well we have both noticed it, all your fans have too. Now the media have picked up on it. They have no right to comment on your body – but there is no point denying the facts." Taylor tried to rebut this but Tree came straight back at her "if you went to your doctors tomorrow – do you think they'd say your weight has remained stable? Do you think they's say you're a healthy weight right now?"

Taylor glowered at her "Fuck you!" the words were out before she knew it and she immediately regretted them – the redhead was unphased though, "that hit a nerve. There is more truth to it than you know. As I said yesterday – you have to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else."

Taylor sat and thought about the last couple of months before addressing the two women, "I'm not purposefully not eating. I'm not calorie counting or exercising. Nothing about this has been intentional. But on reflection I'm probably not eating as much as I should. I was so busy trying to make sure that Jessica had the right balance that I kind of forgot I needed to stick to a plan too to keep myself healthy. Plus I've just been so anxious that I really don't have much of an appetite. BUT that's no excuse. I'll make it priority – I will schedule meals and snacks – eat them even if I'm not hungry. I'll listen to my body more."

Both of the women before her smiled and nodded, glad that Taylor had finally listened.

Andrea gestured behind her "good job I've cooked for us then isn't it? Nicer to eat when you're not alone." Taylor smiled gratefully, aware she needed to put their minds at ease. The three women ate together, then Tree put the statement out and left. Andrea hung around for a few more hours before leaving Taylor to get on with it – making her promise to call if she needed anything. Taylor spent the evening writing songs and creating melodies.

The next few days passed in a blur – Taylor attended the hospital daily, sitting with Jessica – catching her up on the real world and begging her to start eating.

The doctors continued to use the NG tube 5 x a day and introduced a slow feed overnight to increase her weight. The psychiatrist told Taylor that the sooner they got Jessica's weight up the better, not just for her physical health but also that her thoughts would remain irrational while she was severely malnourished and they could only start to address the root cause when some rationality returned.

Jessica underwent daily therapy but refused to open up – she was telling them surface level concerns, never diving into her real emotions.

Jessica had been in the hospital for a week when the doctor tried to incentivise her to start eating, when Taylor visited they sat together when the doctor explained "The NG tube can still be used to give nutrition but it's not a long term solution. We want you to start eating meals again. We will give you the opportunity to eat, anything you don't eat will be put down the tube – BUT if you eat 3 meals a day, for the next 3 days – we will allow you to go home for a few hours of leave." Taylor's eyes lit up and Jessica seemed excited too, the blonde hoped that this would be the final push she needed to actually start helping herself. The doctor left the room and the teen turned to Taylor excitedly "that will be soo cool". Taylor nodded enthusiastically "it will be really cool baby. Something to look forward to!" They spent the next hour thinking of things Jessica would like to do and the teen didn't even cry when Taylor had to leave the hospital like she had every other day.

Taylor went home, energised by the possibility of having the teen back – even if it was only for a few hours. She made a shopping list of a few of Jessica's favourite items and planned some films they could watch.

She knew it wouldn't be easy – but it would be great to have her back and start to get back to normality again. She also made a mental note to ask the doctor about Jessica's discharge plan, knowing that she was halfway through the admission and wanting to be prepared for the teen being back full time.