You drew stars around my scars

Pushed aside

After dinner, Jessica and Taylor moved over to the sofa, Jessica sat right next to Taylor – resting her head on the blonde's shoulder, soaking up the time while Emmeline was sleeping. She was playing with Taylor's fingers absentmindedly as they had friends on in the background – Taylor pulled her into a tight hug.

After another 5 minutes or so, Emmeline started to stir, Taylor shushed her and jiggled the bouncer, hoping to keep her asleep for a while longer but the whimpers turned into full blown cries and Taylor groaned, pushing herself up off the sofa to get to her – nudging Jessica off her in the process.

As she sat back down, rocking the baby gently while breastfeeding her she looked at Jessica who was totally focused on the screen now. She nudged her shoulder "you ok?"

Jessica nodded, not taking her eyes off the screen. Taylor frowned "I don't think you are...what's going through your mind right now?"

Jessica turned to look at the baby, a forced smile on her face. Just as she summoned the courage to speak she suddenly shook her head instead "nothing – it doesn't matter"

Taylor sighed "your feelings always matter, talk to me buddy"

Jessica looked down, avoiding eye contact "I just feel a bit excluded..."

Taylor digested the information for a second or two "with the baby?"

Jessica nodded, embarrassment burning on her face "It feels like everything has changed and although 99% of the time, it's great. Sometimes I just think – the reality of life is SO different now and I wish things could be easier again at times..."

Taylor nodded, careful not to invalidate her feelings "what's your biggest concern? Is it that we are at home together all the time and you miss out on that time?"

Jessica rolled her eyes playfully "I mean I am jealous I am stuck at school all day but no – it's not that I am missing out on that time with you, that's normal...but going out takes so much longer now to gather all her stuff up and sometimes it just makes me anxious while I wait and I think was this outing even worth the effort? And sometimes we miss out on things because it doesn't fit with Emmeline or her schedule which is fine but.." she sighed, tapering off, not knowing how to finish.

Taylor rubbed her hand gently "but it sucks..."

Jessica nodded once "Tay – I know you're trying your hardest. I'm sorry to moan"

Taylor shook her head "You're not moaning – I tell you what. We will set aside 30 minutes, every day for us. We can watch TV – talk or do an activity, whatever you decide you want that day. Just us – no distractions. OK?"

Jessica grinned "that would be great!"

Taylor nodded "anything else?"

Jessica bit her lip again "it sounds so stupid...but it feels like I'm shut out sometimes. Like you don't trust me with her and I know I've hurt myself but I promise I would never do anything to her..."

Taylor's eyes widened "oh baby no – You want to be more involved in her care?" Jessica nodded silently and Taylor smiled "I don't let you because I don't want you to feel like you have to or that it's a burden. She is my responsibility and I don't want you to have to worry about her. But you can always feel her some expressed milk while I prep dinner, you can play with her whenever you want. Or you can give her a bath once a week or something, or even just help me with that – she's a right wriggler." Jessica smiled wide, nodding. Taylor narrowed her eyes playfully "you can even change her when she stinks"

Jessica scrunched her nose, giggling slightly "no thanks – I'll leave that to you!"

Taylor giggled "thank you for telling me baby. I promise I will make more of an effort to include you and to give you some of my undivided attention."