You drew stars around my scars

Changes

The changes started subtly as they always did.

It was never an overnight slip into an eating disorder relapse – there was always a small step, then another, then another.

For Jessica – it had started when she realised if she smeared food across her plate Taylor didn't notice and didn't make her eat it.

It started with sauces and soft foods like mashed potatoes, then it became pieces of rice or noodles – nothing significant. No real calories were being lost but it gave her a sense of control. It made her feel that she was outsmarting everyone. It finally meant that voice screaming in her head began to praise her slightly – telling her she was doing what she could within the limitations she was facing.

Day by day, she began to push the boundaries more – but not so far that she got caught, that was the key – this time she knew she couldn't get caught.

The teen began a small exercise regime at night. She managed about 30 minutes every night – doing sit ups, push ups, crunches – she began to pace her bedroom, moving as quickly as she could whilst still managing to stay silent. She had been doing it for about 3 weeks and was beginning to feel a bit more relaxed now, she finally felt that she was in charge again – that they couldn't control her.

Tuesday morning, when Jessica was at school Taylor decided to change the teen's bedding. As she moved Jessica's pillows, she found some gym shorts and a sports bra tucked underneath them. Taylor frowned as she looked at them, not knowing why Jessica would be wearing them when she knew she wasn't allowed to exercise yet. She was unsure of what to do, she didn't want to blow anything out of proportion but she also knew that ignoring things often quickly spiralled out of control.

She popped the clothing on the teen's desk – deciding she would speak to her about it later, it was obvious that Jessica would know Taylor had seen it when she walked into new bedding anyway.

That evening, as Taylor picked Jessica up from school the blonde decided to speak to her about it "so, um – you're not in trouble and I want you to be totally honest but I found something in your bedroom today and I wondered if we could talk about it?"

Jessica looked at her, eyes wide in terror as she tried to figure out what Taylor could have seen – she knew she had been careful to hide any evidence lately.

Taylor smiled kindly at her "I was changing your bed today and I found your exercise clothes..."

Jessica's heart began to pound but she knew she needed to remain casual "oh yeah, under my pillows?"

Taylor was surprised the teen didn't deny it so she just nodded, encouraging Jessica to continue.

The teen shrugged, trying to act like it was no big deal "I've been sleeping in them...they're super stretchy so I'm finding them pretty comfy...is that ok?"

Taylor relaxed instantly "yes buddy – that's ok. I just wanted to check you weren't actually using them to work out – you know your body isn't ready for that yet"

Jessica forced a wide smile onto her face "I know Tay, you don't have to worry about me"

Taylor nodded, squeezing Jessica's hand gently "I will always worry about you – it's my job"

Although the teen had denied it all, Taylor knew better than to just take her word for it so she decided to monitor her closer. She checked on her periodically as she woke up through the night but Jessica was always careful to make sure Taylor was asleep when she was working out so she never got caught. The teen hid her scales but weighed herself 3 x a week, delighted that she was beginning to lose weight again – albeit slower than she would like.