You drew stars around my scars

This is it

Over the weekend, Jessica had been more quiet than normal. She kept assuring everyone that she was fine and just felt tired but she wasn't sure it was the truth. She had been feeling low for a couple of weeks but suddenly over the weekend it felt like it hit her fully. Her body felt so heavy and weak, her mind felt sluggish. She couldn't say what triggered it, all she knew was she was SO exhausted.

On Monday morning, her alarm went off but she turned it off and ignored it – rolling over to go back to sleep. 10 minutes later, Taylor came in to get her, the blonde sat on the edge of the bed "good morning baby, you've got to get up or you'll be late..."
Jessica shook her head, burying her head into the pillow "don't wanna..."
Taylor stroked her head gently "what did you say? I cant hear you baby"
Jessica rolled over, sitting up in bed slightly "I don't want to go to school today..."
Taylor frowned, knowing this was not like Jessica at all "are you sick?" As she spoke she reached out, feeling the teens head "you're not hot"
Jessica shrugged, knowing she wasn't psychically unwell, she looked down – twisting the blanket between her hands anxiously.
Taylor tilted her chin up gently, forcing the teen to look at her "is there something you're avoiding?"
Quickly, Jessica shook her head. Taylor nodded and tried again "No tests? No other kids?"
Jessica sighed, shaking her head again "no...."
Taylor sighed "well, what's wrong? You might be able to stay off if you tell me the truth so we can work through it – but I cant help if I don't know and I cant just let you skip school for no reason"
Jessica bit her lip, looking Taylor straight in the eyes "I just feel exhausted today – I don't have a headache but my head just feels scrambled...everything is just, blergh"
Taylor nodded, kissing her head gently "OK – you can stay home today, we will snuggle and you can recharge..."
Jessica smiled, thanking her softly.
Taylor smiled kindly back "you do still have to get up though – it is time for breakfast..."
The blonde expected a battle but Jessica nodded, hauling her body up slowly and padding downstairs.
Surprisingly, throughout the whole meal Jessica didn't complain once, she ate slowly and methodically in total silence but without any arguments or attitude.

As soon as they finished breakfast, the pair of them headed to the living room – cuddling up and watching cheesy films all morning. Although Taylor got lost in the stories, Jessica sat staring blankly – unable to even follow what was happening on screen. She felt like her brain was just lagging too slowly to be able to comprehend what was happening. After an uneventful lunch, Jessica napped for a few hours. When she woke up, Taylor smiled softly "good afternoon sleepyhead!"
Jessica smiled, stretching her body out slowly.. Taylor squeezed her arm gently "you got a ton of messages while you were asleep – I'm surprised it didn't wake you up". Jessica picked up her phone, scrolling through all the messages she had received, she then closed her phone, dropping it onto her lap. Taylor frowned, wondering if she was actually avoiding her friends – if they were being cruel and teasing her. She held out her hand gently "can I see?"
Jessica nodded, handing her phone over for Taylor to read. The blonde skimmed the messages – her anxiety quelled when she saw they were all well wishes and funny stories to keep Jessica in the loop. There was nothing she could see that would indicate Jessica was avoiding any of them or any social situation at school.
The blonde glanced over at the teen "Do you think you're up to school tomorrow?"
Jessica's body tensed, her voice weak "can I stay off?"
Taylor nodded, kissing her head gently "OK baby. Whatever you need"

The next morning, Taylor woke the teen up again. When Jessica sat up in her bed, Taylor smiled softly "if you have a shower, I can braid your hair if you want?"
Jessica shook her head "I'll just shove it up into a bun..."
Taylor grimaced slightly "I think you'd feel better if you freshen up...I can help?"
Jessica nodded blankly "OK", she followed Taylor into the bathroom and let the blonde wash her hair over the sink. As it dried in the towel, Taylor took a flannel "I'm just going to clean your face baby, ok?"
Jessica nodded but stayed silent and her withdrawn nature was making Taylor even more scared.
As Taylor began to hairdryer the teens long locks, she decided to push slightly again "Did something happen?"
Jessica shook her head, her voice timid "No. It's weird...I don't feel sad – I just feel tired"
Taylor bit her own lip "but, you're ok?"
Jessica nodded "yeah, I don't feel bad – not suicidal or anything. I just feel like I want to sleep forever"
Taylor nodded, kissing the top of her head gently "you have been doing a lot – maybe this is your body's way of saying slow down?"
Jessica nodded, shrugging her shoulders "maybe, or maybe I am going to get sick..."

Taylor took a deep breath "I have to go into work today..."
Jessica shrugged "that's fine, I will just nap anyway. I'll be fine here"
Taylor smiled sympathetically at her "sorry buddy – but I'm not leaving you here. You can come with me"
Once again, the teen didn't fight back. She allowed Taylor to pick out some comfy clothes for her and then they headed off.
As Jessica settled into Taylor's office with her iPad, the older woman headed off to her meeting – promising to come and check on her regularly. After half an episode of Gilmore girls, Jessica found her eyes closing and she gave in to another nap.
Soon enough, Taylor was waking her up for lunch. The teen sat up, bleary eyed and sluggish. As she looked around, she smiled "hey Tree!"
The redhead smiled at her "Hi honey. You look shattered"
Jessica nodded, grimacing as Taylor handed her the plate of food "really?"
Taylor nodded, her tone of voice leaving no room for argument "really."
The three of them ate together – Taylor and Tree making soft conversation while Jessica sat in silence – feeling disconnected from life again.
When she had made it through about 75% of the food, she sighed loudly – pausing for a minute. Taylor reached over, rubbing her back gently "do you want a supplement instead?"
Jessica shook her head, silently beginning to eat again. Tree and Taylor both glanced at each other – worried about the teen more than ever. Eventually, she made it through the rest of the food and quickly laid down, Tree looked over at her then turned to Taylor "is she sick?"
Taylor reached over, feeling the teen's forehead again "nope, still not hot"
Tree looked at the teen "and you feel ok? No pain in your throat or ears?"
Jessica shook her head "I'm just tired...."
The two older women shared a look again, knowing that something had to be going on but they weren't quite sure yet what it was.

That night at dinner, Jessica refused to finish her food. Taylor glanced at her half eaten plate "baby, you have to finish it..."
Jessica shook her head "I'm too tired to even eat. The effort of cutting it up, putting it in my mouth and chewing is just...exhausting"
Taylor grimaced "what about a supplement? You just have to sip it then..."
Jessica shook her head, mumbling "I don't want supplements"
Taylor saw the exhaustion on the teen's face, so she lifted a bite of food onto the teen's fork – lifting it to her mouth. As Jessica reluctantly ate it, she gagged and pushed Taylor's hand away with the next bite. When the blonde tried again, Jessica pushed back again "Tay – I can't...it feels like my body just won't work...it's like shutting down"
Taylor shrugged "if you can't eat – we will need to take you to see the doctor...", she had expected the teen to refuse – to pick up her fork and force down the rest of the food but she was taken aback when Jessica nodded "that seems fair..."
Reluctantly, Taylor let her leave the rest of the food but with the expectation that she would ring the doctors in the morning.

Wednesday morning, as expected – Taylor rang and got the teen an emergency appointment. There was no arguing from Jessica at all and she sat there blankly as the doctor prodded and poked her. After a few minutes, he turned back to Taylor "all her observations are normal...there is nothing obvious I can see. I think we should get some blood tests and see if medically there is any cause for this, if not – my educated guess would be depression"
Taylor nodded, gripping Jessica's hand tightly as they took the teen's blood.
They headed home, Taylor was relieved that there was nothing physically going on but concerned about the teen's mood even more now.
That afternoon, when her blood tests came back normal, Taylor knew she needed to get on top of this before it spiralled out of control.
She messaged Tree – informing her of the teen's results before the redhead came over for dinner later. Tree quickly sent a message back 'and she's still not eating?'
Taylor typed back quickly 'no, she says she has 0 energy to eat'
Tree read it and responded immediately 'we will tackle it together tonight x'

When Tree arrived for dinner, she was cautiously watching the teen all evening.
Taylor took on board what the teen had said about the process of eating being exhausting so she cut up the food prior to giving it to her, hoping that if she just had to physically eat it then it wouldn't be so challenging.
Jessica took a few bites, chewing slowly and sipping water frequently. After 5 minutes, she put her food down "I can't do more Tay..."
Tree spoke up first "you can either finish that or have a supplement..."
Jessica shook her head, no fight left in her "I have supplements!"
Tree shrugged "Well, then eat"
Jessica continued to push the food around the plate, twirling the fork in her fingers without actually lifting any bites to her mouth,
Tree swallowed her own bite before tapping the teen's hand gently to get her attention "I will literally feed you if that's what it takes, but you need to eat..."
Jessica looked at her, desperation on her face as she placed the fork back down "This isn't even the eating disorder, I just don't feel right"
Taylor spoke up now "But we know your brain spirals quickly. We understand you don't feel well – but you still need to eat. It's non negotiable, understood?"
Jessica nodded, but she continued to stare blankly at the food – it was as though her body couldn't comprehend the actions needed to actually eat.
Tree picked up the teen's fork – stabbing a piece of meat onto it before lifting it to the teen's mouth "come on honey, you can do this"
Jessica looked at her, not moving for a few seconds before gently taking the fork and forcing the bite of food into her mouth – chewing slowly, as though it was using all her energy to actually chew it.
For the next 30 minutes, they sat like this – picking up food for the teen and coaxing her into eating it. Usually the teen would be sad or anxious about food but today, she just looked empty. Eventually, her plate was empty and she realised she could finally stop.

Taylor squeezed her hand gently "that was great buddy, you did SO well. Why don't you go and get into PJ's?"
Jessica nodded, slowly heading upstairs. As she got changed, an idea popped into her head – she headed to the bathroom, purging quickly. The burning in her throat was the only thing she had felt for days and days – the thought brought her some comfort. It was better to feel some discomfort rather than just nothing.
She quickly brushed her teeth and wiped her eyes – making sure there was no evidence of what she had done before heading downstairs.
As she headed into the living room, Tree and Taylor looked up at her. They stopped their conversation, smiling gently at the teen.
Jessica smiled back – a dead smile with no emotion behind it. As she let the smile slip off her face she realised how broken she felt. She knew in that moment there was no way out of this for her.
This was her life – this cycle of anxiety, hate and despair. No amount of love or support could pull her out of this.
But what was the alternative? The only option she had, she knew would kill Taylor. So she resigned herself to just plodding through – pretending to everyone that she was ok. Pretending that she wasn't incompatible with life.
Pretending that there was any hope for her at all.

THE END