You drew stars around my scars

Understanding

Taylor had not been allowed to see Jessica for 2 weeks, finally the teen caved and eaten 50% of her meals for 3 days so Taylor was allowed to see her.

The doctors had hoped it would spur her on, but instead it had just aggravated her – she didn't understand why Taylor had been made to stay away and she felt like they'd backed her into the corner.

When Taylor had finally come, Jessica was more adamant she wanted to come home.

As the conversation went round in circles again, Jessica threw her head back – frustration lacing her voice "You keep telling me this is for my own good but I don't understand WHY. I could do this at home – I don't need to be in here for treatment. If I have to eat, then I have to eat – I could do it at home – with you – in my own bed, with food you make that I actually like better..."

Taylor rubbed her hands down her face, exhaustion evident "Jessica, I am SO tired of arguing about this with you. You have to be in here, I need to keep you safe"

Jessica bit her lip, jumping in instantly "But why can't I do it at home?"

Taylor rolled her eyes, trying to keep her voice calm "Because you don't try at home. You try to lie and cheat and I can't monitor you in the same way the team can here. They can watch you 24/7 – I can't. They can make sure you eat"

Jessica's voice was frantic now "But I understand now! I really get it that I have to eat. So please, just take me home!"

Taylor sighed "No – I can't and I won't. You are here because you have access to 24/7 therapy, you have a dietician on hand to make the right choices about your food. The nurses can watch you 24/7 so not only do you eat – but you can't purge or exercise or do anything else to cheat. You can't hurt yourself. The doctors know what they're doing – A LOT more than me and I get to just be your parent again rather than trying to control your eating disorder"

Jessica's eyes welled up with tears, feeling like Taylor just wouldn't listen "Tay – I have learnt my lesson. I will be good. I won't cause you trouble anymore. I won't lie or cheat"

Taylor held her hands gently, rubbing the teen's knuckles "Baby, this is not about you being good or bad – I have told you that so many times. Being here is NOT a punishment. This is to help you get better so you can go on and live a wonderful, happy life."

Jessica didn't speak, feeling like there was a lump in her throat. She looked down at her fingers – trying to process what Taylor had said.

The blonde lifted her chin – forcing the teen to look at her. She wiped Jessica's tears away and took a deep breath "I know you don't like it here, but you're not here for it to be fun – you're here to learn to take better care of yourself – to keep yourself healthy when you do get to leave. We want to break this cycle – we want to make sure you're in the right headspace."

Jessica nodded, but didn't speak – not trusting herself not to cry and beg more.

Taylor sighed, her heart breaking at the vulnerability in the girl's face "Jessica – when I saw you in your bedroom so skinny – I was SO terrified. We had done this so many times, we had started over and over and although I would go through this every day if it meant you'd be healthy and safe, I knew in that moment what I was doing wasn't working. I knew that me being kind and trying to keep you happy was enabling the behaviour and I think I was scared to push you too far because I was scared you'd hurt yourself or do something while I was asleep or distracted – so I hovered on the edge, dancing between recovery and being scared."

Jessica looked at Taylor and the blonde could sense that although she wasn't talking – she was finally listening so she carried on "I knew I needed to get you help, to do it in a way that would REALLY give you the best chance. And remember – it's not about me not wanting to do this with you or putting you in here so I don't have to deal with it. But they aren't emotionally attached you to – they're not scared to push you because they can just be logical about what you need – the rules are the rules here."

Jessica nodded slightly – it was so small that if Taylor hadn't been staring at her she would have missed it. It was a positive sign that the teen wasn't totally fighting against her so she decided to lay it all out – telling the teen exactly how she felt "And I know it sucks, but also from a really selfish point of view – I am so glad I know you're safe in here, I really do trust them. I know you don't like the team, but it's not because they're horrible or mean – they're just firm with you and your eating disorder HATES it. But that's what it needs – no room for negotiation – no winning for the voices in your head because that's how you battle through it."

Jessica bit her lip, fiddling with her fingers anxiously "And one day it'll get easier?"

Taylor nodded, a small smile on her face "I know I keep saying it – but it really will. I hate seeing you struggle, I hate seeing you scared and I hate seeing you suffer. I hate it when you cry and beg – it actually breaks my heart. I want to take it all away from you, I want to do anything I can to help – but I can't do it FOR you. I can just support you while you do it. But I will be here every step of the way..."

Jessica looked up at Taylor, searching her face for any signs she was lying, a few seconds later Jessica nodded. Something had clicked in her brain – she finally felt like she understood why Taylor had done this. It wasn't a punishment – it wasn't because Taylor was angry with her – it wasn't to shock the girl into eating...Taylor had done it because she really didn't know what else to do and she loved the girl too much to give up on her.

Jessica gave Taylor a tiny smile "I might not like it, but I think I do get it now...and thank you – for not giving up on me no matter how many times I've pushed you away"

Taylor grinned widely – feeling like this might actually be a positive step forward "I would NEVER give up on you – you're my whole world. I am always going to be here – for anything life throws at us. I love you so much and I am going to support you until you can love yourself too"

The end

I have one last request about Jessica being rebellious to write.

Any other requests please send them in x