You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 5

Later that night when you went to bed your mum opened a bottle of white wine and poured two large glasses, she handed one to Taylor and kept the other for herself. She hung her head low then took a deep breath as she looked up at her friends concerned eyes "you were right weren't you? Jess has a problem". Taylor sighed loudly, glancing down at her wine "I really wish I wasn't but yeah, I think so?" in unison both women took a big sip of their wine. Your mum put her face in her hands "so what do I do? Do I confront her?" Taylor shook her head slightly "confronting her won't help – she will just pull away. We take her to the doctors, get them to check her over. I have the numbers for some great therapists. We start her in therapy, get a plan together. We love her, we support her – we get her better again." Your mum nodded slightly, trying to process what was happening "How did it feel Tay? When you realised you had to get better? When we all confronted you about your eating?"

Taylor looked down at her hands, picking at her nails slightly before taking a deep breath and replying "I hated it, I was so angry with everyone at first. It seemed like nobody got it, that nobody could understand that I needed to do it. When I realised that everyone knew I was really restricting and I couldn't get away it anymore I became more sneaky – I did everything I could to hold onto the eating disorder. Eventually I just agreed to get help so that everyone would leave me alone, I figured that I could just keep on lying to everyone and carry on like normal once the concern had died down. But as the therapy started and I finally started getting more nutrients, my brain started to work more logically again – I realised that recovery was hard but worth it. So then I started to actually try rather than faking it, it took a long time for me to be totally ok – but every small step was better than where I was before."

The two women smiled sadly at each other as memories of the past flashed back for both of them.

They decided not to push you this weekend, to just keep a close eye. Your mum agreed to ring the doctors first thing Monday morning and book an urgent appointment for you.

Taylor explained she needed to encourage but not force you.

The next morning came around and you plodded out of bed and into the kitchen. Your mum was already sat there and she immediately busied herself giving you options for breakfast – you declined every option but she was persistent. Eventually you agreed to some yogurt and fruit. She said she needed to go out to the shops quickly so left you to eat while she got dressed.

As soon as she was out of sight you threw the yoghurt into the bin, making sure to cover it up. You put your bowl in the dishwasher and hurried back upstairs to your room, waiting for Taylor to wake up. You knew you needed to be more careful around her today – she was too suspicious for your liking. She had told your mum about the exercising and at every mealtime you could feel her eyes staring at you all the time. You knew you needed to throw her off the scent, to get her to relax then you could go back to normal tomorrow when she had left.

What you hadn't realised though was that she had already caught you throwing away your breakfast, she saw you covering your tracks and slipped away upstairs herself, trying to think of how to confront you.

Taylor sat outside your bedroom, taking a moment to catch her breath and to try and calm her beating heart. She knew she needed to confront you but she wasn't sure how she was going to get through it. She pulled out her phone to check her notifications and smiled sadly as she saw the photo of you and her, heads thrown back in laughter. She could see the light in your eyes there and realised how withdrawn you had become. It was the push she needed, she shoved her phone back in her pocket and pushed your bedroom door open slowly.

It all went out the window when she walked into your room and saw you sat on the bed, surrounded by packets of food – there was so much mess around you, the evidence of your binge all too obvious. As soon as you noticed Taylor stood there you attempted to run past her. You tried to run to the bathroom but Taylor reached out and grabbed you as you run past. She pulled you towards the edge of the bed, she forced you to sit down, still wrapped up in her arms in a tight grip. You thrashed around, desperate to get away – the shame plus the pain in your stomach building.

"TAY! let me go, please let me go. I need to get rid of it"

Taylor began to rock you slightly, kissing the side of your head "Shh come on, calm down, breathe, Shhh" The longer she held you the more you fought against her – the horror building "I need to go! Please! You don't understand"

Taylor shifted slightly, rocking you more as she spoke "Calm down, just sit with me, this will pass. Close your eyes, shhh, just relax"

You were becoming increasingly panicked "IT HURTS! LET ME GO!" You began to twist your body, trying to force your way out of the grip but the more you fought , the tighter Taylor made her grip – "I know, you're ok. Just sit with the discomfort, it's better than throwing it up. Shhh. Close you eyes, shhhh"

Both of you were crying now, but Taylor wouldn't let go, she continued to murmur words of reassurance, trying to calm you down. You hit a peak of panic but then realised she wasn't going to give in – after what felt like hours of struggling you gave up fighting and went limp into Taylor's arms, sobbing and surrendering to the pain. Taylor continued to rock you until the crying stopped, finally she pulled back from the girl, looking her over intently "So, I think we need to talk, don't you?"