You drew stars around my scars

She gets it

Jessica felt like nobody understood her. She had been trying her hardest at recovery – she was finally eating all her meals and all of snacks but every bite was causing her an internal battle still. She was tired.

Tired of fighting against the voicers in her head, tired of fighting against everyone all the time, tired of feeling anxious and alone.

She just wanted it to all stop.

She wasn't depressed as such – she just felt in limbo. It was like she was stuck between being 'sick' and being 'recovered' and that unsettled her.

Jessica was doing well enough to keep fighting against the voices in her head – the ones telling her to restrict or purse or to exercise excessively – she had learnt that it was just her eating disorder talking. She was aware that she had to actively work against it or she would slip back but she felt frustrated that nobody believed that she was strong enough. They all still treated her like she was in her most unwell state – she just wanted them to allow her some breathing room to allow her to begin to get back to a sense of normality.

Taylor presented Jessica with her morning snack – handing her a simple banana, which she expected no battle with.

Surprisingly to her, Jessica huffed "I'd rather have some of those strawberries we have instead of the banana..."

Taylor stared at her for a second before shaking her head "This is your plan"

Jessica rolled her eyes "it's fruit – it's exactly the same!"

Taylor nodded "exactly – it's the same, so it makes no difference..."

Jessica sighed loudly "this isn't my eating disorder – this is just a preference! I don't want a banana today"

Taylor shrugged "your meal plan is rigid for a reason"

Jessica narrowed her eyes "this is what I mean though – I should be allowed to make swaps! It's not about calories – I just don't want it"

Taylor smiled sympathetically "you can have that or you can have a supplement, choice is yours..."

Jessica huffed again, grabbing the banana roughly "fine"

The next day, Tree was over for lunch – a weekly tradition they had reintroduced.

Taylor approached the table, carrying two plates and she set one down in front of Tree, the other in front of Jessica.

The teen glared at the food, folding her arms "ergh I don't want a bagel again! I'm sick of bagels – I'd prefer to have sourdough toast..."

Tree cocked her eyebrow – turning to Taylor for an explanation. Taylor shrugged "it's happening a lot..."

Jessica knew a lecture could be incoming so she jumped in first "I don't see the point of eating food I don't want or enjoy. Food should be able the experience too – that's what everyone keeps telling me!"

Taylor smiled softly "yes, you're right. But right now – your brain doesn't work well enough to tell you the best options. We tried to be lenient in the past but it always just ends up with you slipping backwards so for right now – until things are TRULY settled, we will be sticking to your plan exactly. It means we don't give your eating disorder a chance to force its way back in"

Jessica was huffy, refusing to meet Taylor or Tree's eyes. Taylor reached out – rubbing the teen's hand gently "My job is to keep you safe. That is my priority and I am sorry if doing that upsets you in the meantime"

Jessica sighed "It's just so unfair. Nobody else who has ever recovered from an eating disorder has been treated like this...it's hell!"

Taylor shrugged "I was. I had to do it like this too"