You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 6

You stared straight back at her "I didn't...I don't...This isn't a thing – I don't have a problem. I just lost control a bit"

Taylor smiled sadly at that "anytime you're losing control over food – I'd say that's a problem" She run her fingers through her hair then looked back over at you "I'm worried about you Jess. It's ok to admit you're struggling. Nobody is going to be mad."

You pulled away from her "I'm not struggling. Seriously Tay, I'm fine. I don't even know what this was. But really, I am ok". Taylor shook her head sadly "Don't bullshit a bullshitter. You know you can always tell me anything, but you have to do it when you're ready. I'll be here, ok?". You tensed up, breathing heavily as the situation weighed on you "You can't tell my Mum. Please? Promise me?"

Taylor sighed heavily "I will never keep a secret that's going to harm you. Your mum loves you so much" You interrupted her "No! You can't tell her – please! Please don't. I will never do it again, I promise. Please!" You were grabbing desperately onto her hands now, trying to show how desperate you were feeling.

Taylor grimaced slightly "I'm going to be watching you. I'm going to be checking in with you and your mum. Just because I'm not physically here – I'm not going to let this slide. Ok?"

She hadn't said she wouldn't say anything, but she also didn't say she was going to – you took that as a small win.

She finally let you go, telling you to wash your face, calm yourself down and get downstairs.

As lunch came around the anxiety increased, you picked at your food – too nervous to eat anything.

Taylor sat next to you and pulled you into a side hug "Buddy, you need to eat – you barely ate anything yesterday and you didn't have breakfast this morning". You pulled away from her defensively, a frown on your face "I ate loads. You two are obsessed this weekend" you tried to keep your tone light, to act like you were joking but because your mum was already stressed she couldn't help but to bite back "we are obsessed because we know you aren't eating. We can see you've lost weight. You refuse to eat. You're exercising in the middle of the night. It's not normal Jessica". Your heart started pounding as she spoke, you tried to defend yourself but you froze. Taylor stared at your mum, shocked by her outburst – knowing this went totally against everything they had agreed to last night. She could see you panicking "It's ok – you're not in trouble. We are just worried about you". You snapped back to reality – anger now building "I already told you - there is NOTHING to worry about. I am fine!" You shrugged Taylors hands off you and tried to stand up but your mum stopped you immediately

"You're not fine Jess. None of this is fine. We aren't going to sit back and watch you destroy yourself. Taylor is going to give me some numbers and we are going to set you up with a therapist – like it or not, you're going. We are going to take you to the doctors – I want them to refer you to the mental health team and weigh you. You aren't getting away with this." Tears spilled out your eyes now and you fled upstairs, flopping face down onto your bed. Both Taylor and your mum tried to come up and talk to you but you just ignored them, refusing to engage.

You could feel the world crumbling around you and you were powerless to stop it.

You heard Taylor packing up to leave that evening and finally heard the knocking at your door, she poked her head round again. This time you couldn't ignore her, you jumped up and hugged her. She enveloped you into the tightest hug, squeezing you and kissing the side of your head, "I'm gonna try and get back real soon, ok? I've got some more free time coming up. Maybe you can come and stay with me for a couple of days? I'm sorry everything feels so out of control for you right now. I am always going to be here for you. I love you so so much". You couldn't bring yourself to reply so you just hugged her tighter back and nodded slightly. Finally she let you go and you stood there, feeling glued to the spot as she left. When you knew she had actually left the house, you headed downstairs, cuddling up to your mum on the sofa. Neither one of you spoke a word, just cuddled and got lost in your own thoughts.