You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 40

The following week the battle about food felt like it was back to an all time high. Jessica tried to bargain about everything on her plate. When they returned to therapy on Thursday Jessica had gained only 0.8lbs of weight. The doctors warned Taylor that they were going to increase the meal plan and they felt Jessica needed to drink a supplement if she didn't finish a meal – this time they decided if she left anything on the plate she would need a whole supplement drink – they wanted to break the behaviour of trying to avoid calories.

The two of them had been invited over to Andrea's for lunch again and got back in the car after the appointment, ready to head over there. As she began driving Taylor caught a glimpse of the girl's reflection in the window and realised she was crying. The blonde reached out and squeezed Jessica's hand "what's wrong Buddy?". Jessica swiped her tears away "nothing. I'm fine". Taylor tried again "I can't help you if I don't know. Is it your weight that you're upset about?" Jessica shook her head but remained silent, after another few seconds she replied "I don't want the supplements again. Everyone says I'm not being punished but it definitely feels like it." Taylor rubbed the girls arm "Buddy, it's not a punishment. You have to have a certain amount of calories a day to gain a set amount of weight. You haven't done that with the food you are eating – that means we need to think about how else we can increase". Jessica began to cry harder "but I'm trying! I'm eating what you put in front of me". Taylor frowned slightly "you're not always finishing it, plus you've been exercising a bit more again this week. I didn't mention it to them today but don't think I haven't noticed. If you can't gain your weight then we need to increase your calories – supplements are the easiest way to do that". Jessica threw her head into her hands "I hate them! They're horrible, they taste disgusting, they're literally just liquid fat!". Taylor shrugged slightly as they pulled into her Mum's house "then increase the calories you're eating again." Jessica hated that Taylor was strict with her – she wanted her to see that she didn't need all the calories but the blonde wouldn't hear it.

Andrea greeted them and noticed straight away that Jessica had been crying, she was about to ask the young girl what had happened but Taylor caught her eye, shaking her head discreetly – signally she would catch her up soon. Andrea ushered them inside and offered them a drink, Taylor took a deep breath before replying "actually Mum, we've just increased Jessica's meal plan again so any chance you could make her a hot chocolate?" Jessica's eyes burned with rage at Taylor, signalling she didn't want it but Taylor pretended not to notice. Soon Andrea set two mugs of hot chocolate down in front of both Taylor and Jessica, Taylor went to protest then thought better of it, deciding to just enjoy the sweet drink. Jessica let it cool slightly then slowly sipped her way through it. As soon as she was done she stood up "can I go outside with Kitty now?" Just as Andrea agreed Taylor shook her head "No, firstly you need to stay with me for the next 30 minutes but secondly, no exercise today." Andrea watched as the young girl processed the response, she could see the frustration building but then she gave in and sat back down next to Taylor who immediately put her arm around the girl's shoulder, pulling her in quickly.

Andrea cooked lunch for them and a gentle chatter formed between the three of them. Jessica ate 80% of her meal before slowing down, ready to stop. Taylor looked at her, then back at the plate – arching her eyebrow. Jessica understood the silent message and picked up her fork again, forcing down the rest of the meal. As the two blonde's tidied away the kitchen Taylor could see Jessica becoming more overwhelmed so they left soon after. As soon as they got back Jessica ran upstairs to her room but Taylor followed close behind, the blonde pulled the girl into a giant hug, whispering reassurance to her. After about 15 seconds, Jessica couldn't hold back anymore "Every time I get a tiny bit of control, it's taken away from me. I hate this. I hate recovery. I just want everyone to leave me alone!" Taylor nodded, kissing the side of her head "I know that's how it feels right now but it's not true. I have control over food at the moment because it's keeping you safe, but you have lots of other control. You can pick what we do each day, you can pick what clothes you wear and what time you get up in the morning. There is a whole world of choices for you to make, but right now – it's just not going to be what you eat, when you eat or how much you eat. I know that sucks for you, but the fact it upsets you so much is proof that it's really needed" Jessica tried to pull away but Taylor held firm "you were doing amazingly when you first came home but then you got poorly and I let everything slip. I know it feels mean, but I'm just bringing you back to where it was before. I promise you that if you carry on doing your best – you will feel so much better and you will get all this control back" Jessica nodded and finally gave into the hug, relaxing into Taylor's arms. They stayed like that few a few minutes before Jessica excused herself to the shower, she cried as she stood under the hot steamy water – realising that Taylor was right. She had to gain weight, she had to eat. She did feel better when she was eating more but she had fallen back into the trap of trying to restrict everything – it was exhausting. She decided in that moment that just like at the hospital, she would hand total control over to Taylor, she would trust her to make the right decisions and hope she started to feel better. The only way to recover, was to do it.