You drew stars around my scars

Taylor's slip

Taylor's schedule had increased dramatically again and she felt that everything was spinning slightly out of control. She had released an acoustic album, was filming the music videos for the songs she had selected as singles and she was writing a book of poetry. She was non stop busy again and was loving every second – feeling like her creativity side was being fuelled for the first time in a long time but it was also hard to juggle everything. She didn't want to let the girls down, didn't want to let her team down – she just wanted everything to run smoothly but by doing that, she was beginning to wear herself down. She was tired, and tired Taylor became anxious today. Anxious Taylor defaulted into not eating, not sleeping, running around frantically to keep everything as 'calm' as she could.

Taylor tried to get as much done as she could while Jessica was at school and Emmeline was with the nanny. This meant she her evenings were free – well, free from work at least. She helped Jessica with her homework – trying to keep the teen doing well at school. She cooked dinner and made sure Jessica was eating. She fed and bathed Emmeline, reading to her to settle her into bed before going back downstairs and listening to Jessica's moans about her days. When Jessica went up to bed, Taylor either finished her own work or crashed into bed – exhausted by the effort of the day.

Taylor was beginning to feel like she had no time to breath but she knew it would settle in time – once this mad period was over, she knew she would get time to herself again, she just needed to make it through this.

Unfortunately, like usual – the first thing to go for Taylor was her eating patterns. When she had this much adrenaline, she didn't feel hungry. Although she was adamant Jessica stuck to strict mealtimes it often meant feeding Emmeline at the same time to make sure they could stick to their bath and bed schedule. This meant she couldn't eat so often skipped dinner. She plated up her food, meaning to eat it later, but later was always busy too and often it was scraped into the bin without being touched.

During breakfast, Taylor was too busy prepping the girls for the day ahead. This meant lunch was often the only meal she would eat – and since she was trying to cram as much work in – she often didn't eat much as she should.

After dinner one evening, Taylor left Jessica downstairs reading her book while she bathed Emmeline. She got the baby into her cot and sat with her while she fell asleep. When she headed downstairs, Jessica put her book down – smiling at Taylor.

The blonde sat next to her, "OK. Let's discuss your day, your worries, your frustrations..."

Jessica looked down, her voice quiet "you"

Taylor frowned "me?!"

Jessica nodded "My worry is you "– you haven't had dinner again..."

Taylor sighed, her face softening "I will once I've talked to you"

Jessica pouted "Eat first"

Taylor tucked the teen's hair behind her ear, her voice soft "no, this is my favourite time of day. Our time – just us. I don't want to miss you"

Jessica stood up "well, you can eat while we chat. I do most of the talking anyway...."

Taylor sighed but stood up "OK. Let's go and eat..."

What Taylor didn't tell the teen was that while she had been busy and food had fallen in her priority list – the doubts had crept into Taylor's mind again. While her world seemed crazy and overwhelming, the only control she felt she had was what she ate. The only time she felt calm was when her body felt empty – giving her that familiar adrenaline rush.

While this had all started as being genuinely too busy – it had now gone to purposefully skipping and avoiding food. She wouldn't let the teen know though – not when she was doing so well in her own recovery now.