You drew stars around my scars

Antidepressants

Taylor had taken antidepressants for many years. Every time she had thought about coming off of them she hadn't felt strong enough or she had always been warned off it.

Her therapist or doctor had always seen her relapse when she had stopped taking them before and so they became ultra aware of her slipping back into old habits and warned her to keep taking them to keep herself 'steady'. Taylor had always listened but she had hit a point where she felt ready to come off them. She felt they dampened her down slightly, took away some of her creativity and she was ready to get back to her 'true self'

She felt that she had seen the waves with Jessica and wanted to be her true authentic self in order to parent her properly.

Taylor decided not to tell her doctor – she would tell them once she had come off them and stabilised but she suspected they would try and talk her out of it if she approached them wanting to stop taking the antidepressants.

She also decided not to tell anyone in her team – knowing they would also all have their reservations but this was something she really wanted to do and as she always thought 'better to ask for forgiveness than permission'.

Taylor did a lot of reading around coming off of them. Everywhere said to come off them slowly to minimise the side effects. She knew that it might be a bit unpleasant for a few weeks but apparently that was the way to avoid total withdrawals. She had read what symptoms to expect and she decided to reduce the dose over 6 weeks or so – her usual dose was 20mg, she was going to cut it down to 10mg for 3 weeks, then 5mg for 3 weeks then she would be free from them.

She decided to start on Monday, the beginning of a new week so hopefully she would be feeling better by the weekend. Although she was slightly nervous – she was mostly very excited to finally be off them.

Monday morning, Taylor got Jessica's antidepressants ready and halved her own – they had been taking their medications together since Jessica's overdose. Taylor now locked all medications and took them together so she could make sure the teen actually took them and didn't stash them away.

Jessica came down the stairs, looking between the two tablets , a small frown on her face "why is that one in half?"

Taylor flicked her gaze between the pill and the teen, debating whether to be honest or not "I am cutting down on mine, in order to try and taper off them"

Jessica immediately frowned, defensive "Can I do that with mine?!"

Taylor shook her head "no buddy – not right now, you're not ready for that. We can review that in the future when you are ready"

Jessica crossed her arms "how do you know you're ready?"

Taylor sighed "I am an adult – you don't have to worry about what I am doing."

Jessica glared "do your doctors know?"

Taylor's heart was beating rapidly but she nodded anyway, trying to put across a confident demeanour "now take your tablet, I'm taking mine"

They swallowed them and Jessica opened her mouth – showing the blonde she had taken it, a new habit since the overdose.

Taylor nodded, signalling she was happy and the teen stood – throwing her water away.

The teen began to look up tapering off antidepressants, seeing that it was a delicate balance to ensure no withdrawals but also to prevent a relapse. She realised she wasn't ready to come off her own medication but the worry grew that Taylor wasn't ready – she was still so vulnerable and the teen felt she needed to raise it again during dinner.

As they ate that night she bit her lip "Tay – did you know that you shouldn't just stop taking antidepressants? You have to taper it off...."

Taylor swallowed, nodding "I know buddy – that's what we are doing. I am reducing it really slowly and monitoring the effects."