You drew stars around my scars

I hate myself

Taylor had noticed Jessica was anxious all day, the teen had been fidgety and tearful.

Taylor had kept her close by – desperate to stop her hurting herself or making herself sick but this meant Jessica also had no time to decompress. She had felt suffocated and was desperate to be allowed upstairs to her bedroom to allow herself to cry alone.

When it was time for bed, Taylor finally let Jessica go upstairs – she did offer for the teen to sleep with her but Jessica vehemently refused. The teen went upstairs and laid in bed, letting the tears she had been holding back fall.

She stared at the wall, replaying the same thoughts over and over again you're useless, stupid, disgusting. Useless, stupid, disgusting. Useless, stupid, disgusting.

She had to fight the urge to start doing sit ups – trying to rationalise that just because she felt bad, didn't mean she had to punish her body. She knew that if she started – she wouldn't stop and she was desperate not to fall back into that trap again. She had managed to maintain a healthy weight for a couple of months and she didn't want to blow it – didn't want to go back to having to negotiate every bite she put in her body again.

As the thoughts got louder and louder, she couldn't ignore them. She climbed out of bed, biting her lip to stop the sobs escaping.

She stood in front of the mirror, staring at her reflecting – her face turning into a sneer as she glared at herself. She picked her body apart, before falling to the floor – sobs wracking her body.

Down the hall, Taylor heard the girls cries and headed towards her room -desperate to console the girl. She wasn't prepared for the sight she walked into though – she hadn't seen the girl this hysterical for a long time.

The blonde immediately ran over to the teen, sitting down next to her – mindful not to crowd her but knowing the teen would need comfort. She placed one hand on the teen's back and the other on her knee – letting her know that she was there to help.

Jessica cried harder now that Taylor was here, witnessing her breakdown. She curled into herself, desperate to hide away. Taylor rubbed her back gently "shhh, you're ok"

Jessica shook her head, crying harder. Taylor let her sit for another minute or two, until she felt she couldn't leave her anymore "baby – your breathing is getting too fast. I need you to try and take some deep breaths."

She imitated some deep breathing but the teen was too frantic to be able to follow it. Taylor squeezed her hand tightly "come on – you can do it, I know you can. In – hold it – and out." She kept repeating herself, squeezing the girl's hands with every in breath to give her something else to focus on. Eventually Jessica began to listen – slowing down her breathing gradually.

When the teen was calmer, Taylor wiped her tears gently "so are you ready to tell me what's going on?"

Jessica looked at her for a few seconds, weighing up whether she wanted to open up or not. Taylor's piercing eyes broke down her walls and she took a deep, shuddery breath "I just...I hate myself Tay. I am ugly, disgusting, fat, weird!"

Taylor's eyes crinkled "buddy no!"

There was a flash of rage across Jessica's face "Don't try and deny it! I can't do anything right. I try and try but I just fail! Everyone said it would get easier but it hasn't! And I am so tired of feeling like this – feeling unworthy!"

Taylor nodded, taking a deep breath and thinking about her own response – wanting to validate the girl's feelings "You have been trying really hard and I understand it must be frustrating to give everything to recovery and still to have these moments. It's exhausting huh?"