You drew stars around my scars

Chapter 32

The same as every week, Taylor waited in anticipation on Friday morning for the app to send her a notification which signalled Jessica's weight had been updated.

Around 10am it buzzed loudly, pulling her away from her thoughts. She took another deep breath as she opened it and saw that Jessica had gained 3.4lbs this week. Instantly another notification came through to inform her that her visit for Saturday had been confirmed.

She passed the day away tidying the house, then soon enough it was her phone call with Jessica, the teen appeared happy but slightly subdued today. Taylor waited until there was a pause "what's wrong buddy?" Jessica just shrugged and diverted the attention back to Taylor. After they chatted for a while longer Taylor tried again "You seem quiet today. Is everything ok?" Jessica nodded then looked down at her fingers, she decided recovery was also being honest about the difficult things so she looked back at the screen "actually, it's been a bit hard today. I saw my weight for the first time since being here and although I knew what it was going to be, it was still a bit shocking. It's just different. Plus I saw I'd gained over 3lbs this week – they said 2-3 a week and I have gained more than that. What if it doesn't stop? What if I just carry on gaining and gaining?". Taylor's eyes widened as she took in the girls distress, she paused for a second, gathering her thoughts before replying "I can understand that must have been difficult for you but thank you for telling me. I know I can't make those thought go away but I can make you a few promises. I promise the weight you have gained is important to get you healthier – none of it is excessive. The food you're eating every day is not unnecessary – everything has been calculated exactly for what you need. I promise it will even off when you hit a healthy weight. When you're eating the right amount consistently your body will adapt, the weight gain isn't going to go on forever, but it is going to continue until you hit your goal weight. Did you speak to the team about it?"

Jessica shook her head "I didn't want them to think I was trying to avoid gaining weight or anything – it's not that. It's just scary." Taylor nodded, "it's a big change for you. Maybe we can speak to them about it tomorrow and come up with a plan – some people have to know their weight and they can be ok with that number, others cannot know their weight to keep themselves healthy – we can discuss with them what they think is best, ok?" Jessica smiled "ok, thanks Tay. Is your mum coming tomorrow?" Taylor nodded "as long as that's still ok with you?". Jessica grinned "of course! I'm looking forward to it. She hasn't seen me in a month – I bet she will see the difference!" The call came to an end soon after and Taylor quickly messaged her Mum to confirm the visit details for the morning.

Earlier in the week Jessica had asked for some new clothes as the ones she was wearing were tight so Taylor quickly checked she had them all ready before heading up to bed.

The next morning Taylor drove to pick her Mum up before both of them headed to the centre. Jessica was practically bouncing on her head as they walked in and as they'd got used to she threw herself into Taylor's arms as soon as she put the bags down. Once the teen had let go Andrea walked over and pulled her into a hug too, as she pulled back she remarked "your hair is looking great Darling!" Jessica giggled "thanks! I think it's growing again AND it's definitely not falling out like it was!" Taylor's heart swelled hearing the little wins of recovery. As Jessica and Andrea chatted about Kitty Taylor worked on swapping the clothes, not wanting to bring too much attention to the necessary swap.

Just as she finished the Doctor came in for the weekly update "Good Morning! It's been another great week here, Jessica has been eating I'd say 95% of the food now, she is only requiring the supplement very occasionally when she can't finish – I think out of all the meals and snacks though that's only happened twice this week. PLUS we haven't used the NG tube at all this week so...." Jessica turned to Taylor grinning widely as the Doctor spoke "we will take it out today!" Taylor pulled Jessica into a quick side hug and then turned back to the Doctor who continued "plus there is more good news, while Jessica has been on an exercise restriction we feel she is doing so well she can begin very light exercise – it will all need to be monitored closely but if you'd like to go on a 10 minute walk around the grounds you're able to today?" Jessica nodded frantically "yes! Yes, I'd really like that!" Taylor giggled at the enthusiasm and then decided to address the conversation that occurred yesterday "Just before you go, I'd like to discuss something with you. Jessica saw her weight yesterday and was quite upset. We wanted to make a plan for the future, to decide how we manage this?" The doctor listened intently then hummed "It can be difficult. We do encourage people not to focus on weight during recovery but then every week we are weighing you and 'grading' your progress on the weight you have gained. I would say that's probably quite confusing?"

Jessica nodded then practically whispered "plus, I can't avoid it forever – at some point I will have to know it. So why not now and then I can get used to it and talk about it in therapy. I know it won't be negotiable, I know I can't change it. But I feel like personally, I need to be aware of it. Then I can see what's 'normal' for me. Tay said the weight gain will even out when I'm healthy but I can't see that right now – maybe seeing it taper off will help?"

The doctor listened " I will discuss it with the team, but it sounds reasonable. Most people do not have 1 healthy weight – it is a range and learning that now is not a bad thing". Taylor thanked her then the Doctor left them briefly before returning to take out the NG tube, Taylor sat next to Jessica, holding her hand tightly as the Doctor pulled it out quickly. Jessica gagged slightly but it was done quickly, her hand came straight to her face, feeling her empty cheeks for the first time in 6 weeks. Taylor watched her momentarily then said "sooo, shall we go for that walk?!"

Jessica nodded and jumped up, linking arms with Taylor as the three of them left her bedroom and headed outside. After a couple of minutes Andrea could notice the girl was getting fatigued so she linked her arm through the girls other arm so both her and Taylor were supporting her. They managed the whole 10 minutes like that and then quickly returned to the girl's room, as she sat on the edge of the bed her cheeks were red from the cold but her eyes were glistening with joy "I can tell I have been rotting away for weeks, that's nearly killed me but it felt SO good to be moving my body again!" Taylor helped her to settle onto the bed and they went about chatting about the next week and their plans. Soon the afternoon snack arrived again and although she still had the nervous pit in her stomach Taylor watched in admiration as Jessica ate it all quickly but methodically. Andrea was almost wide jaw'd in shock, not expecting her to be so docile about it. All three of them looked at each other, in disbelief at how far she had come over the last month at the facility.

Taylor knew the time was coming for them to leave and as she gathered their belongings she leaned over and whispered "thank about where in the world you want to go, this summer – the world is our oyster and I want to take you somewhere beautiful. You deserve a break". Jessica smiled gratefully and promised to think about it. She hugged both the blonde women then made her way to dinner.

Andrea and Taylor both returned to the car, as soon as the doors were shut Andrea turned to Taylor "WOW! She is like a different girl. She looks healthier – she looks great actually, she was actually talkative and did you see her with that snack? She just ate it – no fuss, no big deal!" Taylor giggled "I know! She's doing amazingly isn't she?" Andrea nodded "It won't be long until she is home Darling". Taylor smiled sadly "I hope so, I can't wait to have her back."