Fighting for our Future {TWD Daryl Dixon}

101: Scars and Therapy

TW: Mentions of suicide and self harm

One year later

After Daryl cheated on me I have become the most depressed I've ever been. I hated losing him as a constant in my life, but how was I supposed to stay married to someone I couldn't trust? Do I trust him with my life and my childrens lives? Of course I do. But I don't trust him to never hurt me again, because what he did destroyed me. 

Some days are better than others, but after breaking things off with Daryl, I've been stuck in what feels like an abyss with no way out. I put on a fake smile to get through the day, but really on the inside, I'm slowly dying.

The thoughts of taking my own life even came back. There are moments where I think nothing can help me and that opting out of this life would be best. But then I think of my kids and know that I can't. So instead of just completely ending myself, I've settled for self harm.

I used to believe Daryl when he told me I was worth something and that my life mattered. And while I believe that my life does matter for the sake of my children, I don't think I'm worth anything anymore.

I never thought I would feel like this again. Hopeless. It's how I felt growing up when living with Hudson. That's why I had started hurting myself to begin with. I even wanted to take my own life back then, but the thought of Glenn stopped me. 

This however is a different situation. Daryl never physically hurt me. But he did completely break me. So yeah I feel hopeless. When I was a teen I had thought that there was no possible way that I could ever feel worse than I did while living in the hell hole that I was with Hudson, but now I do.

I'm not even sure that there are words to describe just how depressed and hopeless I've felt since the night I caught Daryl naked with another woman. But sometimes it feels like I can't even breathe.

Of course people have noticed that I have changed. They just don't see how bad off I am. Like I said, I put on this happy smiley mask in front of everybody, but behind closed doors I'm a wreck.

Currently it's early in the morning. None of the kids are awake yet, but I yet again had a restless night. Another development after I left Daryl, my nightmares had come back in full force. I had felt so safe and secure with him that they had faded away, but now that I don't feel the safety of Daryl's presence anymore, I'm back to square one.

I am sitting on the ground near my bedroom door leaning up against the wall. I locked my bedroom door just in case any of my children do wake up and decide that they need to see me. 

I'm watching the fresh blood drip down my right arm from where I just pressed the knife. I had cut deep enough for some blood to spill, but not enough to kill me or need stitches. 

This has become a habit. A really terrible and dangerous habit. I wish that I didn't feel the need or the urge to hurt myself. It's not an everyday thing. Someday's it's just the mood I wake up in that triggers me to do this. Other days even the slightest thing going wrong during the day gives me the urge. Obviously today it's it's just how I woke up.

"Daddy!!!" I heard Avalon yell excitedly from down the hall, letting me know two things. Daryl is currently in my house and I need to get up off the floor and clean up my arm so I can leave the room. 

The kids have no clue why their father and I seperated. Well, that's a half truth. The twins don't know. I didn't tell Soph or Seb, but I did tell my Dad. And after I told my father, he proceeded to tell Carl, who then told Soph, who then told Seb. I made my two eldest children promise not to tell the twins and they agreed, understanding why I don't want them to know.