An Outlet

30 June, 2016.

Nerves Nerves Nerves!!

Now I know why I am unable to make new friends or initiate conversations with people.

I am shit at talking. I am unable to even form a decent sentence without fumbling. Yes, my presentation sucked.

During this entire vacation I have been waking up quite late. Today I got up at 7. Why? To prepare for my damn presentation.

Left my place around 9 and got stuck in the frikkin' train ticket counter for 20 minutes. It normally takes me less than 10 minutes to get a ticket but today there were a hell lot of people and the counter I was on shut midway. Talk about annoying.

So I reached late but thankfully the presentations hadn't begun.

There were around 30 students in the room. One by one everyone's name was called out. Their presentations were pretty good! One guy had a really innovative way of presenting his work and others spoke so well.

And then there was me. Nerves automatically kicked in when my name was called out. I blanked out. I kept on talking nonsense. I couldn't even form a sentence. I went into so much detail and kept on fumbling so much that I swear everyone in the room was bored and confused. Everything that I had planned out went down the drain. My voice kept shaking and... it just wasn't good. I failed.

And I take failure really bad. After presenting, I just could not pay attention to any other presentation. I had just succumbed to my stage fright and had embarrassed myself in front of those people whose faces I'm going see for the next three years.

I was depressed. It was definitely one of the weakest moments in my life.

As for my meeting? I couldn't find those people so I just left.

Okay I'm lying. I did see the people who were supposedly a part of the meeting and the meeting had already started. I couldn't face those people. How could a person like me, who couldn't even present something in a human way, even think of making any sort of plans for the entire college. Yes, I felt inferior to them. Yes, I deliberately didn't attend the meeting. I didn't want to embarrass myself for the second time in such a short span.

If I would have written this journal entry immediately after my presentation, this entry would've been more depressing than it already is.

A great thank you to my brother and my dad. They talked to me, understood my situation and calmed me down. I still feel bad about what happened today but I'm not crying over it anymore.

I watched two movies and went for a walk to get myself together. It worked. I even got a gift for my friend.

The only exciting part of today was planning a surprise filled day for one of my close friends, Pamela.

It's her birthday tomorrow and she thinks that her birthday is going to suck. She has absolutely no idea what we have in store for her.

Today was not one of my best days but hey, it's okay. I'm okay.