An Outlet

31 August, 2016.

I feel kind of defeated.

A few days back we were given cards where in we had to dedicate a card to any of our school teachers for the upcoming teacher's day. That's when I realised that my school teachers might not even remember me. I wasn't exactly a favourite of anyone. Nor was I hated by any teachers. I just haven't had enough presence in my schooling years for any teacher to remember me.

This has continued in college as well. I have had many cool teachers but I cannot say that that teacher knows me let alone think of me as someone cool.

Forget teachers, I'm not even memorable enough for my friends to stay in touch with me.

I feel like I'll never get to experience what I thought was college life.

Today, I had volunteered for a boot camp that was set up for our juniors from my previous college. The popular group and a few others had volunteered as well. I was given a task of shuffling sheets which would be used to divide the students into teams.

After I finished the work, I see all the others having a really good time as a group. Even I want something like that.

How do people interact with each other and become a group? How do two groups merge into one? How do they decide that the other person might be as cool as them? Why do I always get left out? I don't like it. I just don't.

It makes me feel like I'll just be taking orders for the rest of my life without having people around who think I'm fun and that makes me incredibly sad.

I distance myself from such people. I do that because I don't want them to influence me or think I'm trying to flatter them or trying to stick to them. But at the same time, I do want to have such friends cause they're always having a blast with their lives.

I'm such a hypocrite.