An Outlet

14 May, 2017.

I did it! I woke up 9:30!

After doing my morning chores, I caught up with all social media and new videos in my subscription box.

I'm trying to make a daily schedule. I know it's not going to work but I'm adamant about making one.

Because of my time zone and that of the people I've subscribed to, most of the uploads happen during the time I sleep. So here's my morning routine:

I'm going to wake up max by 9:30AM, brush my teeth, have some milk and breakfast and then catch up with some social media (which does not include YouTube). Then I'll have a bath (hair baths on Saturdays or whenever I feel like). Then I'll watch the newly uploaded YouTube videos.

After that, I'll try to complete one of the items on my 'to do list for the vacations'. If it's not lunch time by then, I'll read on Wattpad by the time lunch time rolls in.

After lunch time, I'll watch a couple of episodes of 'Breaking Bad', that I've recently started watching. Yeah I know, late in the game blah blah... I don't care. I watch things when I feel ready to watch them. This is why I'm going to start watching Game Of Thrones now because I was too shook to watch it a few years ago.

If I get bored of watching (which I hardly doubt is going to be the case), then I'll probably do some exercise or dance. Then I'll make it a point to follow my CTM Routine.

I'll go out for an hour in the evening, just for a casual walk.

At night, after dinner, I'll read on Wattpad and right before I sleep, I'll update this journal.

This is all before my driving classes or practicum or on days when I don't have any social plans.

Now on to what I really did today.

Today I spent my entire day deleting unwanted pictures and videos on my laptop. I get too attached to pictures, even when I'm not in them. I feel like it's a way to relive all my memories but that ends up leaving a lot of unwanted things in my storage. There are few pictures and videos that you need to see only once in your life time, just like a one time watch movie. They have no purpose in your gallery.

So I deleted all of those. Then I deleted all the pictures where I wasn't in there because ultimately I want to remember what a good time 'I' had, not others. Ofcourse I couldn't delete my school friends pictures. They are just too close to my heart. Ultimately, I deleted all those pictures and videos which did not make me feel happy or brought back bad memories.There was a part of me which said 'but these memories are a part of your life too'. But the deal is that I already remember so many bad memories that I don't need to be reminded of many more.

I knew it was going to be difficult to delete all of these pictures but I had trained my heart to let go of things which I truly didn't feel necessary to keep in my storage or in my memory, indirectly. It was a roller coaster. The place where I got really emotional was Nova's 'last day of 10th grade' diary. 9th and 10th were seriously two the best years of my life and I know almost everyone in that class felt this way.

Anyways, I did all of that and I feel much better. One thing that put off my mood today was (surprise surprise), change of plans. There was some misunderstanding between my dad and I with the backdrop of a family drama that I wasn't fully aware of and I just had a mental breakdown after that.

You know the times where you feel so bad and stressed out to an extent that your head starts hurting and your face literally goes stiff? No? It's okay. But that's what happened to me. Maybe it's because of all suppressed emotions coming out.. I don't know. I just didn't want anyone to see me bawling my eyes out cause sometimes, I don't like being comforted.

I feel moderately okay now. I guess I'll just have to leave it behind and look forward to better things.

But the current situation I'm in is not helping me. I spoke to Pamela a week back and we spoke about meeting tomorrow and hanging out the entire day. That day we just vaguely spoke about exploring places but I need to have a concrete plan before my mom sleeps.

She told me she'll call me back but she still hasn't done. Now I'm trying to call her but she's unavailable.

I really need this plan to work or I swear I'll implode.