An Outlet

21 June, 2017- 1YA NM #3

One year ago on this day, I finally executed my idea of having a journal.

This was catalysed by the plans my dad had made in his youth. I wanted to create something, however small, but something that marked a change, was a symbol of change. For the past few years, I had a feeling that I haven't changed at all since 9th grade. I couldn't think of any significant moment of my life that said that showed that I have evolved and it deeply hurt me.

That's when I thought that maybe if I documented the happenings of my life, I'd realised how much I've (hopefully) grown as a person. This is how the idea for this book was born.

This is my symbol of change.

No shit I haven't been consistent with this journal but I plan to continue this. When I get older, I would like to know what I thought as a young girl, too afraid to face the world.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary, An Outlet!

On that note, here is something that I had written about myself in 2012. This was the last time (before I started this journal) that I had a self reflection session and wrote my thoughts down.

Nostalgic Manuscript #3

I'm bored. On further thoughts, I don't actually feel bored. I like writing (shit stuff) which is like a proof of me being a maniac.

I often ask myself- 'What kind of a person am I?' 'What qualities/ talents do I have?' 'Why am I the way I am (both good and bad)?'

I have decided to stop fetching answers from other people and answer them myself. I want to know how much I know Ava (Silly I know, but, whatever).

I think Ava is a person who likes to be everybody's friend but is not able to do so. She is reserved and takes a hell lot of time to open up to people. But she can chat well. She can chat with even those who never say even a single "hi" to her (or vice versa) when they actually meet.

She is too scared of what people think of her. Like image conscious, you know. She wants everybody to think she is a nice person even if she does things terribly wrong. This is the reason why she is an introvert.

All these things may seem invalid when she is with her friends. She is not fake but treats different people differently.

She tries to study but that mind of hers is always distracted.

She neither wants to be too girly nor too tomboyish. She thinks she's boring but that's because she is reserved.

She loves her friends and wants them to reciprocate this love.

She is scared of seas and oceans. Very scared. She has sworn never to scuba dive in life. Or go on a cruise. Or visit Venice. Or Mauritius.

She doesn't see any of those English TV shows which her friends rave about (Hello One Tree Hill).

She is not crazy about branded clothes. Not that buying branded clothes would make her unhappy. It's just that she loves loose fitted, plain and simple shit.

Ava is the most fun person I've met in my entire life (howmuchever small).

Ava has a good voice. As in the singing one. She sings well but again, she is concious over here too. She thinks that the listener doesn't give a rat's ass about her singing abilities and thus, she feels rejected. Stupid right?

She can write poems. Kiddish ones tho. But hey, not many make poems. She can write...write....keep on writing and at the end, just keep thinking to herself: "What on earth did I just write that it filled the entirety of this page?"

She does all crazy stuff when she's alone.

She loves math. No matter whichever novel/movie she reads/watches, she likes it. She likes doing voice modulation.

Well, I guess her talents end here. She's gotta work on them more.

Ava is a normal person in the sense that she has many plus points and equal number of negative ones. I will only enlist those which I remember now.

Ava may do her things in a horrid manner, but when it comes to doing other's job, she tries to make no mistakes.

She ideally doesn't want to make anyone sad nor does she want others to make her sad. Once she gets attached to people, it gets really difficult for her to be separated from them. She is really bad at expressing herself. She can write down all her feelings but convey it to only a few. At times, people even misunderstand her silence.

She has a habit of being negative. There are two things everybody are trying to make her understand: she should stop critisising herself and try to talk to people without fearing what they will think about her.

Even I try telling her this. She writes down all her feelings hoping that no one sees them.

Overall, Ava is an amazing person and I am totally, fully, absoflippin'lutely, madly and crazily in love with her.
~

Wow, I think this was the first time I ever wrote something about myself. It's always been poems/cards for others. Hmm.. I don't know if I should feel happy or sad when I realise that I haven't changed much in the last 4 years. I have the same insecurities even now.

Well, I'll just have to live with it.