An Outlet

21 May, 2017.

Today was a bit of a break from all the college work.

There is a place of worship about 1 and a half hour away from the city. My dad started visiting this place ever since he was little. And this continued even after he got married and after Alex and I were born. We try to go there once in three months. But because of difficult-to-match schedules, Alex and I are not able to go sometimes.

Since both of us were seemingly free this time around, we decided to go today.

Wait. Let me rewind that.

We were supposed to go yesterday. But umm.. as you now know I got last minute work so I postponed it. You know that I don't like cancelled plans but this was necessary and I didn't feel guilty as such.

So we left by 8 and reached the place at around 10:30-11. We went through the usual routine we go through whenever we go there and were on our way back home.

While coming back, dad wanted to try a different route. So he gave me the (Google) map to navigate. Guess what I did.

I touched at some random place and completely changed the route. A normal person would admit that we were going in the wrong direction. But not me. I had such an ego at that time that I let it slide and thought that dad wouldn't notice.

But ofcourse he did. Dad got a little annoyed but I still didn't admit to my wrong doing. Ultimately, I started feeling really guilty for what I had done.

Guilt, according to me, is one of the worst feelings in the world. It makes you feel so helpless and more so because you know that there no way you can undo what you've done. Your stomach twists and turns and your comfort level reached to a -100.

I find it extremely difficult to talk about something I feel guilty about. There are two things in particular that I remember as of now: My dentist and someone who had helped me but I didn't get back to.

Ugh, even writing it down is just so difficult.

Anyways, I felt really guilty and then eventually told my dad what I had done. He was annoyed with me but didn't scold me a lot. Yet I couldn't control my tears.

Eventually everything was fine after we reached home.

I want to give myself less chances to be guilty cause I know how badly it affects my entire mental state.