I feel so lost, I can't help but cry when I think of how badly I let this get. It sickens me to think about everything that has happened, how it was all my fault. I wish I could say I wanted things to go back to normal, but my normal wasn't what normal should be. If I could go back a few years to when Robert was happy, how are love was inseparable. I feel my kids got the worst of this horrible tragedy. My sweet Bradon is broken, Matthew is so angry and filled with emotions. I feel hopeless, worthless. I want to give them a life they deserve, it's not fair that they were brought into this horrible mess. I don't know what I did to deserve such amazing children as them. I will do anything in my power to make them happy again. Give them a home that we can call ours. I have so many dreams for us three. They deserve the best. It's going to get rough, but if we have each other, we can get by just fine. They are my life, my heart, my world. Matt will never look at his father the same again. Robert was someone he looked up to. I feel as if Matthew is angry with me, he has been lashing out. Gone for long periods of time. I am worried he will end up in a horrible state. I try to back off and give him space, but then again, he is my baby. I am his mother, I need to do everything I can to keep both of my sons safe. I have a job at a local family doctors office as a nurse. It is the best I can do. I am trying to look for an apartment, an affordable one. The cheapest ones are 2 bedrooms, kitchenette, bathroom, and small living room. It doesn't compare to the wonderful home we had before, but I can't go back. It isn't affordable. I can't ask my mother for money, she has done so much for us in the past two months. I have felt sick the last few weeks, I am more tired and nervous. I think it might be stress. I don't know. I have so many emotions, I am can't go on like this forever, but I need to stay strong for my family.
**
"Jesus, three more pounds." Jessica steps off the scale and shakes her head, looking in the mirror.
"Oh Jess, you are the skinniest 34-year-old I know." Her mom says looking at her in the mirror.
"Well, I better go get new scrubs, I don't fit in any of these damn things!" Jessica throws them on the floor and fixes her hair.
"Stop it, sweetie."
"I think I am just eating more, must be stress."
"Jessica walks out of the bathroom and into the living room to grab her things. "Oh damn, Matt! Can you come down here please." Jessica yells
"What do you want?" He says coming down the stairs with his book bag and keys.
"Can you please pick your brother up from school? I will be working later."
"Can't grandma just do it? I am busy."
"Well, I was hoping you would so grandma wouldn't have to and she can enjoy herself for one day without doing something for us." Jessica looks at Matt desperately.
"Jessie, it's not big deal, I can pick him up. Don't worry about it. Now go get to work!" Dorthy goes and hugs Jessica kissing her on the cheek.
"Thank you, mom. Bye guys." Jessica blows a kiss and walks out the door.
**
"Hi, you must be Jessica? Or should I say, Ms. Lange?" The man says looking at her name tag as Jessica goes through the files drawer.
"Um, Hi yes I am Jessica. Haha" Jessica giggles smiling and turning around
"I am Doctor Huston, call me Danny." Danny pulls out his hand going to shake Jessica's.
"Nice to meet you. Am I in your way, I feel like I am blocking this whole file drawer." Jessica moves away grabbing the file she needed.
"No, you are just fine. I am looking for the O's. And I wanted to introduce myself."
"The O's are right over here. And that was very nice of you, I appreciate it." Jessica smiles.
"Welcome to our family clinic. Are you a new medical grad?"
"No, I have been a nurse for a while, I took a break working when I had my youngest son."
"Oh, very nice. You have kids then?"
"Yes. Two boys, Matthew and Brandon. Matt and Brady for short. How about you? Are you new to the medical field?"
"Nope, I have been in the field for about 10 years. I started as a paramedic but went back to school and now I have been here for about 3 years. And I have a little girl at home. Her name is Emily, she is 5." Danny smiles looking throw the O section.
"Sounds like you have had a lot more experience than I do. Brady is 7, so our kids are a little close in age." Jessica giggles.
"Just a little. I guess you are surrounded by testosterone. A husband and two boys, wow."
"Well kinda, haha."
"When my wife was around, My dog and I were the only guys." Danny laughs
"If you don't mind me asking, are you divorced?" Jessica bites her lip looking down at the floor.
"I don't mind at all. But no, I am a widower."
"I am so sorry for you and your daughter's loss."
"Olsen! I found it! And thank you." Danny smiles at her closing the cabinet door.
" I should get back to work. It was nice talking to you, Danny." Jessica smiles walking out of the room.
**
After work, Jessica got in her car and drove home. She couldn't stop thinking about Danny, how he smiled at her and took the time to introduce himself. Jessica couldn't get it out of her head. She knew she had to but she didn't want to. It was too soon to think about men, and a relationship, she was still trying to divorce Robert. When Jessica pulled in she saw that only Matt's car was in the driveway.
"Matt honey? Are you home?" Jessica walks in the door and looks around.
"Yea, I am upstairs." Matt ran downstairs and shut his door."
"How was your day?" Jessica walks into the kitchen setting down her stuff
"Fine, you?"
"Good, I met some new people at work. How is school?"
"School, nothing special. Hey, mom, I need to talk to you about something."
"What is it?" Jessica stops what she is doing and turns to Matt.
"You can't be mad, please don't be mad."
