A few weeks had went by. It got worse and worse for everyone. Each of them grieved in their own way which made it hard for the others to understand. Some didn't cry at all. Others cry themselves to sleep. The rest were just angry and upset. No one knew how to handle a situation like this. Their had been losses in the family before, but this one hit them the hardest.
As Christmas was quickly approaching it was hard for everyone to get excited. Now that a member of their family was gone, nothing felt right. In a way, they felt guilty for being excited. It was almost as if all happiness was snatched away from them and there was no way back.
Some may say that the person no longer living would want them to move on and live their life. You can never move on from death. No matter how hard you try. Yes, life keeps going, but it goes on without them and you are reminded of that everyday. That constant reminder is what holds you back.
//-//
It was a quite Saturday on December. There were inches of snow waiting outside the door. The kids were home from school and no one could leave the house.
This day wasn't easy. Jessica, who hadn't gotten out of bed in weeks sobbed uncontrollably in her room. Danny was downstairs with all three children trying to distract them from the terribly loud cries.
This was their reality now... it had been going on for so long that Jessica's sobs were a constant ring in their ears. Even when they couldn't hear it, they heard it.
Danny attempted multiple times to comfort Jessica and be there for her. Most of the times she let him, but today she shut him out.
"Daddy... can we go sledding?" Emily asks as Brandon takes his turn during a game of monopoly.
"I wish we could, but we are snowed in." He says as he bounces Marlowe on his knee.
Brandon shakes his head. "I hate home." He huffs
Danny sighs... after the death, Danny and Jessica hadn't done anything with the kids. Usually they always did fun things and spent time with everyone. Now, they only ever got out of the house to go to school. They were so desperate to just leave for a bit. Inside they just wanted to get away from Jessica and her loud sobs and get their mind off everything. It was frustrating. Brandon had been going through a rough time. Hearing Jessica and seeing her the way she was made him so angry with Matthew for dying. He hated being angry and sad.
"We can open the back door and slide down the hill in the yard." Emily says
"Yeah, we don't have to go to parks." Brandon adds
"Okay... if you want you two can go out." Danny says
"Come with us!" Emily says
As much as Danny wanted to, he knew he had to stay inside and watch Marlowe. Sadly, Danny didn't trust Jessica with the baby.
"I need to watch Marlowe. You know that... I'm sorry." He sighs
"Let's just wait until she goes down for a nap. Then maybe we can all go." Brandon says
"Do you mind if we just do that?" He says
"That's fine!" Emily says
"Let me go check on your mother just real quick. Do you mind watching Lowie for me?" He says
"No, we can watch her."
Danny smiles and stands up. He walks through the house, gets Jessica a fresh glass of water, than walks up the stairs. The closer and closer he got to the room, the louder the cries were and the more painful they were to hear.
Before he opens the door he takes a deep breath in then out.
Jessica had blocked out any source of light from getting into the room. It was darker than ever. She wrapped herself up in sheets and cried and cried.
"Jessie... I brought you some water." He sets the filled glass next to all the other untouched glasses.
He didn't know how Jessica could go so long without eating and drinking as much. Her body was like a skeleton. He was scared for his wife. She needed help. Her health was not well.
Jessica stays in one place with her back towards Danny. She blows her nose and tries to collect herself.
Danny looked around the bed to see it covered with pictures. They were all of Matthew. Jessica had pulled them out a few days ago and constantly took quick glances at them.
Danny got into bed with Jessica and wrapped his arms around hers. He rested his head next to herself and caressed her arm.
"I need answers, Danny." She says suddenly
"We will get them. I know we will."
Jessica turns her body slowly to Danny. When he saw her face he was shaken at first. He couldn't recognize his wife. She was so lifeless, so skinny, she looked so sick. It scared him seeing her this way. He just wanted to help her.
"How? How do we expect to get answers? All we know is what killed him! We don't know why he was using, if it was a suicide, we know nothing! What if we never will!" She yells
Danny wasn't frightened by Jessica's sudden outburst. It was common now. She was easily irritated. Jessica was in a very delicate and sensitive state. There wasn't one thing you could say or do right.
"I will get you answers." He says sternly
Jessica scuffs and turns her body back around.
"I hate this all... is there even a god? What god would do this to me. What have I done to deserve this? What has our family done? There are so many things I want to say and do. I needed more time with him! All I wanted was for him to come home." Then, the water works start up again. Jessica's body goes back to shaking. Danny holds her tight as her body tries its hardest to let out more tears. It was like she had none left.
"Jessica, Matthew always knew how much you loved and cared for him. He loved you so much. You gave him so much."
"If he loved me so much and he was hurting, why didn't he come to me? Or you? Why didn't he tell us he had a problem. Every time I think about this I think about my son as some kind of .... oh god!" Jessica couldn't find herself to finish what she had to say... sadly, Danny knew what she was going to say. He understood completely, everyone did.
There were many amazing memories and thoughts of Matthew. But whenever they thought of his death and him being dead, the first thing that popped into their mind was drugs. Drugs and everything that comes with it. It hurt them so bad when they thought about Matthew using because everyone in the family knew he wasn't that kind of guy...
"We don't know if he was using or just experimenting. We can't think of him as a drug user. We have to think of him as they boy you raised and the boy who lived with us. The boy who was the best big brother and the best son who had the kindest heart. You and I both know and everyone else knows that Matthew wasn't some junkie. We can't think like that."
Jessica curls up into a ball and digs her face into her knees. "I know... but I can't get these thoughts out of my head. It's killing me."
//-//
