Limerence {Joshler} [COMPLETED]

43.insecure

That night Joshua couldn't sleep. He groaned softly while pushing his face into his pillow.

He got carried away. He went too far. But did he? He was confused.
He felt like his heart was slowly torn apart by guilt but overwhelmed by affection at the same time.

Did he mean to do wrong? No, never. He just lost himself in the boy, too obsessed and too love-struck. But today, today he went too far. And even though Tyler had actually given his consent, Joshua felt like he had stolen something from the boy.
He stole something he could never give back.

The boys soft smiles, the dimples in his cheeks, his dark brown trustfull eyes, the little stutter... everything made Joshua melt away slowly.

He turned in his bed, silently wishing Tyler was here to wrap his arms around and also cursing himself for even thinking that right now.

He watched the clock on his nightstand. 3am. He sighed. He wanted to apologize to Tyler. Tell him he was sorry for what happened. But he was scared the boy wouldn't understand and would feel rejected. And it was nothing like that.

He thought about what Tyler must be thinking and he couldn't come up with one believable thing. Was he happy this happened? Excited? Or did he only consent because he felt like 'he had to' and wanted to please Joshua by being okay with it..? Joshua's heart nearly broke when he thought about that option.

He wished he could call him now. Texting wouldn't do. He needed to tak to him. But he knew the boys anxiety for phonecalls and calling him at 3am wouldn't really work well.

He sighed, uncomfortably rolling around in his bed until he had enough. He got up, grabbed a sweatpants and hoodie and headed downstairs.
He made himself some hot chocolate and sat down on the couch, almost tripping over a huge teddy bear, that Tyler had forgotten to bring home.

He curled up on the couch in the dark. He pulled the teddy bear to his lap, scaring Doodle who was apperantly still sleeping there.
The cat meowed a couple of times, before jumping on to Joshua's lap. He scratched behind her ear as she got comfortable and dropped down somewhere between Joshua and the teddy.

He fell asleep eventually.