Life changes.

Distance.

Ally is crying and all I want to do is get up and rush to her. I want to comfort her. I just know I cant. If I do then I will never be able to distant myself. Right now I feel like avoiding her completely will help me move on and then eventually maybe we can be friends but right now I cant see myself being with her all the time. My feelings are getting stronger and stronger with being around her. She is everything to me. She is the last thing I think about before I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. She is always in my dreams. I need to get some distance, I have too. This cant be healthy. I need the distance. She needs the distance for her and Austin. I don’t want to get in the way and hurt their relationship.

I set my phone on the bed and get up sighing. I walk over and stand in front of her. She really does look nice today. She has a nice tan and the dress shows it off. Her hair is straight and it looks so shiny and beautiful. She looks drop dead gorgeous today. “Ally?” She looks up at me with those beautiful eyes that every time I look into them I fall more in love, expect those beautiful eyes are now red and puffy because of me. I feel horrible. I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to make her cry. I never meant for this to happen.

I squat down in front of her and grab her hands. She looks into my eyes searching for something. I look into her eyes and all I see is sadness and hurt. I start to rub circles on her hands with my thumbs. I watch as her crying slows down. She looks up into my eyes again and I feel myself break inside. I knew this would be hard I just didn’t know how hard. She sighs and looks up at me, “W..Why?” I look into her eyes knowing I have to tell her the truth. I fall backward and land on my butt.

“Ally, first you have to know I never ever wanted to hurt you.” She nods. “I just cant do this no more. I feel like I am dying…You know how I feel about you and at the party you wanted… god I wanted so bad but I couldn’t… I couldn’t do that to you or Austin.” I look at her and see her watching me intently with silent tears flowing down her face. I reach out and wipe a few away with my thumb and she leans into my hand. “I came back here and all I could smell was you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you… if you remember anything from that night, know those songs are how I feel.” It goes quiet for a few minutes.

I grab her hands again and stare at her. “Ally?” she looks up and meets my eyes, she starts to talk. “I..I just.” Her eyes start to water again, “I don’t understand. Wha..What did I do?” I shake my head, “You did nothing. This is all me.” She shakes her head and looks at our hands. “Why? I thought everything was okay.” I blink the tears away knowing I am going to have to be truthful… “Ally, you know I love you. I am in love with you. I want to be with you. You are my one and I know I am not yours…Austin is.” I look up and see her crying again with a hand to her mouth. I look at her and she whispers, “Why now?”

 I shrug some and sigh, “I don’t know. It has always been there Ally. I always knew I had no chance. Austin has you heart and there is nothing no one can do about that. You deserve to be happy and he deserves for you to be his completely. He is trying. He is trying so hard.” I blink the tears away again before swallowing and continuing. “It all set in when he came back and you guys bought another house together and him getting use to the kids. It showed that you guys didn’t need me anymore.” She starts shaking her head as tears fall. I sigh.

“Ally, I can’t do it. When I see you with him it tears my world apart. I love you and those kids like they are mine. It kills me to see you two together and with the kids. My heart literally hurts.” I take a breath.

“You are the first girl I have ever felt like this with. I just don’t know what to do here. I don’t want you unhappy or upset but is it fair for it to be me?” I shake my head and look at her.  “When I see you Ally you make my heart race and I am dying to just make you smile and be happy. You got something special I have never seen with anyone else. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and you are the best I ever had. But something has to give Ally, we can’t do this. You are engaged to be married with two kids that are Austin’s.” I look up hating to do this. I feel myself already breaking knowing that this is going to suck. “I… I need distance Ally. I need to figure my stuff out and who I am without you and the kids. I love you Ally but I need to get away. I have to or I will never be able to… I want you and only you but I cant have you. This will be good for everyone.”

I look up and see her with tears flowing down her face. “Okay.” She leans over and kisses my cheek. She lingers for a moment before pulling away. I watch her wipe her tears and grab her stuff. She looks so broken. “Ally?” She looks up at me so sad, I have to tell her again. I need her to know. “I swear, I never meant to hurt you.” She wipes another tear, “Then why did you.” With that she gets up and walks out the door.

I look at the closed door and feel a tear fall. I wipe it away and stand up before grabbing my bag and walking out the door as well. I see her at her car as I step off the steps and start walking to my jeep. She is leaning against her door. I walk to my jeep and throw the bag in the car. I stop and look at her trying to figure out if I should go to her. I look at her again and she looks at me before shaking her head and getting in the car. She quickly backs out and speeds out of the parking lot and out of my life.