The Regret:The Sequel: Lies, Lust and Betrayal

~Chapter Thirteen~

(Taehyung's POV Present Part 6)

My thoughts and memories were halted when I felt the car make an abrupt stop. Soon after everyone had stopped whatever they were doing and quickly got out of the car, desperate to get into their rooms and bury themselves into their warm beds. It was no surprise that Yoongi was the first to enter the gigantic mansion and speed up the seven flights of stairs to his room. I was the last to enter the mansion and went straight into the living room and sat on the couch. My body was tired but my mind was completely awake. 

I placed my shoes at the front door and ran upstairs to change. Once I changed I headed for the door but something caught my eye. The picture of my grandmother and the small box of the wedding ring had made me stop for a moment. I held the picture in my hands with the small box in the other. I thought I could cry once more but I guess I had cried out all of my tears. I place them back gently on the dresser and headed back downstairs. I sat in the living room with a dimmed light and a notepad in my hands. I tapped my pen lightly on the notepad just thinking. I couldn't think of anything. Everything was blank to me. No words. No colors. Nothing. 

A shadow had appeared at the corner of my eye, turning my neck to see Namjoon leaning on the wall with a bowl of rice in his hands. He was already dressed comfortably in his shorts and a plain t shirt. "Taehyung, you're not gonna sleep?"

"I don't think I can" With a small smile "I can't seem to stop my mind from keeping me awake even though my body is tired. I'll just lay here and write until sleep hits me" I laid down on the couch twirling the pen in my hands.

"We hardly get any rests with all the tours and all. Just try to get some sleep when you can." He says scrapping the last bit of rice out of them bowl and places the last bit of it in his mouth. "Have a good night" He says steeping out. 

"Night, Namjoon hyung" I responded back. The faint sounds of his feet hitting the cold floor echoed as he climes up the stairs.

I still couldn't think of what to write. I bit the tip of the pen, grinding it in between my teeth. All of my thoughts were stored away and all I could do was close my eyes, hoping that anything would just pop up. Suddenly more memories started  popping up. These were no ordinary memories. These were memories that had my blood boiling and heart filled with hurt, anguish and begging for forgiveness. These memories were similar but at the same time didn't match with my crazy and spiraling emotions. I started jotting down anything that came to mind. At this point I didn't care if it didn't make any sense at all. I just wanted to release them.

"Have I lost myself....
Or have I gained you?"

Those were the words that played in my head for years. Some say it's just a voice but to me it was more than that. My heart is still lost after gaining so much for nothing. No one but a few, knew of my broken heart. No one knew how much I loved you. No one but me was supposed to know. No one was ever supposed to know!

"Have I lost myself....Or have I gained you?" Am I going insane? Was my heart really that big for you? Is it still big enough for you? I longed for those nine words, in my head, to become real again but nothing ever happened. I lost myself within you but never did gain your love and trust from you. They were the scars that I constantly scratched and peeled off until they bleed. No matter how hard I tried to heal, the stinging sensation in my heart still stabbed with every waking moment. Every breathe I took was constantly taken away by you. On the inside I was dying, as you let my heart rot like decaying corpse with no identity or purpose. And yet...I still loved you.

You were my life, the air I breathe, the shining and gleaming stars that look up at night when I couldn't stop thinking about you. You were everything to me! I wanted you to be my wife! The love of my life! What did I do wrong? Why did you leave me? What did he have that I didn't have? How could I let you go? Why did I let you go? Why didn't you love me? Why did I love you? Why can't I stop loving you? I'll never stop loving you!

I love you. I love you. I love you! I will keep uttering those words over and over again until I have you again!...Until you tell me you love me...again....