Let Yourself Fall // sequel to My Ethan Karpathy

Chapter 16.

PAISLEYS POV:

Jai tries to put me down as we walk up the driveway. I just totally freak and take advantage of the situation. I start to sprint down the road, away from our house. My muscles are quite sore still but I need to get away, I can't go in there now. Jai takes a second to start chasing, I had a head start, but he's much faster than me. He catches up but I keep running, the further away, the better. He is just behind me when he reaches out to stop me. I shrug his hand off of my shoulder and run faster. He easily catches up but runs in front of me for a little way so he's a few meters in front. He turns around and faces me. I try to run around him, but he grabs me around my waist and I fall to the ground while trying to get out of his grasp. I lay awkwardly on the side of the footpath, half on my stomach, half on my side. The tears just come, I don't make any effort to wipe them away. Jai kneels down in front of me and just grabs my hands and helps me sit up. He sits in front of me and pulls me so I'm kneeling as close to him as possible. He just holds the fingers on my left hand and wipes away my tears with his right thumb. I stare at the cracks in the ground like its the most interesting thing I've ever seen in my life.

"You need to go back before something worse happens to him." Jai says.

"Chris is there."

"He needs you." Jai tells me, continuing to wipe my tears.

"I can't face him like this, not now." I cry.

"You need to be strong. You need to be strong just like I know you are and can be. He needs you, you need him right now. I don't care if I drag you kicking and screaming, but you are going for him now." Jai tells me.

I say nothing because I am picked up and carried the 200 metres I ran down the road. I say nothing, I don't struggle, but I know if Jai puts me down, I am running. Jai carries me up to the door with me hanging limp in his arms. I don't have any more energy. I have one arm around his neck, resting on his right shoulder and my chin is resting on that hand. My other arm is hanging over his back. He knocks on the door and I can hear Chris' voice.

"Oh my god, I was so worried." Chris says.

"Paisley?" He asks. I don't move, I have nothing to say or do.

"She's okay, I got to her. But right now, she needs to see Ethan." Jai says for me.

"Um, she won't like it. It's not a good idea.. And he knows." Chris says hesitantly.

"Then she needs to see him. Now." Jai decides sternly, carrying me to the stairs.

"Jai," Chris warns.

"Mm?"

"He's passed out, I don't think it's a good idea.." Chris trails off.

Jai ignores him and walks up the stairs, holding me firmly in his grip. He opens Ethan's door slightly and puts me down on the floor just inside the room. He blocks the door with his arms so I can't run. Then he closes the door, leaving me in a room with a passed out Ethan. Wait, he's passed out? Why would he be passed out?... Oh. I walk over to the bed and see exactly what I thought I would. I wish I didn't think this. I look at his arm and see the cuts, there's lots of blood, a massive clump is dried but it's still trickling. I can't do this now, I can't. I just can't. Why can't people just understand!? I can't, I can't, I can't! They don't know what I live with, they don't know how strong I really am, because I'm not. I am not strong at all. I take one more look at Ethan's pale, bloody arm and just break down for what seems like the millionth time today. I kneel down on the floor next to the bed and grab the other side of his arm where the cuts weren't in my hand. His arm is cold, but it's sort of refreshing. I lean my head against the frame of the bed and just cry. I cry it out. It's healthy, it's the best thing to do. I sit there kneeling for a long time. My feet have gone past asleep and my knees are really starting to hurt now. I slowly stand up and sit on the very edge of the bed. I don't let go of Ethan's arm, I just can't for some reason. I look at the cuts, and then see something through all of the dried blood. They are letters. I try to scrape some of it off with my thumb by rubbing it back and forward on the dried up bits around the letters. I see the second word says 'Paisley'. I can't believe I was the cause of this.. I actually can't live with myself anymore, I have messed up so much.

Then I think, if I had done it, if Jai hadn't saved me, he would do this every day. Maybe worse.I almost get the first word but then he flinches. He's awake. He looks down at his arm and I quickly let go.I can feel him looking into my eyes, but I avoid his gaze. I try my best not to look depressed and sad for his sake, but then I realise he knows. I can feel him staring straight into me, he can see past the make up coverings and the lies I've told him about what really happened. He can see it now. He just stares at me, then I can almost hear the click in his mind when he realises. I'm alive.

He jumps forward and wraps his good arm around me so tightly it hurts. Eventually he wraps his cut arm around me too. He drags me back so I'm sitting in his lap, facing him. I let my legs stretch out either side of Ethan as I cry into his shirt. I don't want to say anything, I don't want to be here. I didn't want to face this now, I can't face this now. I can't deal with anything else. Why can't anyone understand what I feel like right now? Then I realise; Ethan understands.

I just wrap my left arm around Ethan's shoulder from the bottom upwards and snuggle my face into his neck. He doesn't let go, he doesn't loosen his grip, he just wraps his legs around me protectively as well. This makes me cry even more, what have I done to him? Of course he's not going to go now. I've wrecked his life. I hate myself.

"When I look into your eyes,
It's like watching the night sky,
Or a beautiful sunrise,
There's so much they hold.

Well I won't give up, on us.
Even if the skies get rough,
Because I'm giving you all my love,
Im still looking up.

No I won't give up." Ethan sings into my hair.

"Don't ever leave me again," he sobs into my shoulder. "I can't do this without you. You are everything I need, something I can't get back if I lose it. I can't loose you, Paisley. I just can't."

I wrap both my arms around him as tightly as I can, cross my fingers, and whisper, sobbing just as much as he is.

"I won't."

A/N: soo, I'm starting to get this impression that you guys are getting bored with this story now.. I always used to get comments on how good it was, and now all I get is 'more'. I'm not 'fishing for compliments' here but I just want to know if I'm losing readers or not.
SORRY. And I'm also really sorry but the start of this story will be depressing.

Peace, love and Ethan Karpathy.