Let Yourself Fall // sequel to My Ethan Karpathy

Chapter 103.

PAISLEYS POV:

I've been here for over a week now, and it's three days until my birthday. I can't believe I'm turning sixteen without Ethan here. Most teenagers would want a whole sweet sixteen party, but I don't. I could spend my birthday with Ethan, I really could. If he's at Jai's, I could go there right now. I know his address. But I can't go. I can't just turn up. This is starting to seem so stupid. I just want to hug him again. One hug from Ethan is all I want right now. As I'm laying here, sprawled out on my bed, sweaty and gross, all I want is Ethan. The heat here is almost unbearable and I just want to go home. I know I can't go home without Ethan, I've made that certain.

I need to get rid of all these negative thoughts. I walk quickly to the bathroom and pick up my bathers and towel. I change and throw the towel into a beach bag. I slide on some random shoes and pull my hair into a pony tail. I feel really sad right now. Then I pull out my phone and dial Brai's number. I think I just need to talk, and he's the only friend that I haven't either pushed away or cut off completely. All I can think about is Ethan, and it's driving me crazy.

"Brai I can't keep this up." I say as soon as he picks up, probably sounding really upset.

"Paisley?" I hear a shaky voice say. That wasn't Brai.

"Who is this?" I ask, wanting to know who's on Brai's phone.

"It's Ethan.." They reply hesitantly.

I pull the phone away from my ear and check. Sure enough, I had called Ethan instead of Brai. My brain is so messed up today.

"Oh, I'm just going to.. Go." I say the only thing that comes to mind.

"You've been talking to Brai?" He asks quietly, almost sounding disappointed.

"Ethan.." I trail off, knowing I can't tell him now.

"Don't worry about it." he sighs.

"Are you ready? I really want you to be here with me right now." he says after a long moment of silence.

"Where's 'here'?" I ask, wanting to make sure.

"I'm at Jai's," he says simply. "Where are you?" .

"I- I have to go." I stutter.

"Paisley, I love y-" he starts to say but I hang up on him. I throw my phone in my bag and run out into the hallway, I slow my pace down the stairs and past Khloe.

"I'm going down" I say simply, wanting to get out before I cry. I'm still shocked that I called Ethan instead of Brai.

"Don't be too long, we're going out for dinner." she says over her shoulder.

I sprint out the door, slamming it behind me. I continue to sprint down to the sand. I don't stop, though. I keep running further down the beach, further away from the house. I notice that the waves are a fair bit bigger down here, but I find a spot that they aren't so big. There are a few surfers here and there, but not many where I am. I only just notice I am crying as I feel the tears dripping down my arms. I've never cried this hard in my life without Ethan being here. I run for the water and take a deep breath, ducking under the water, erasing any traces of tears. I come back up and let the refreshing feeling spread through me, then I run a hand through my hair, pushing all the loose strands out of my face. For once, I let my thoughts cloud my head.

How do I tell Ethan?

How do I go back to him?

Why did I run away?

Why am I so scared?

Whatever happens, I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to run away. I run away whenever anything gets tough, and it gets worse every single time. I understand if Ethan doesn't want me back after. What have I done? I know for sure I will tell him, I just don't know how. I'm not running away, I'm not going home without. I need to go back properly, I could go back right now..

No.

Am I scared of commitment?

No way. I've given him everything, I'm definitely not scared of commitment. I'm scared of new things. I've worked it out now. I can't go through anything new without being scared, and that's okay as long as I keep going. That's the problem, I don't try and work through it, I leave. I get through a bit, then give up. That's exactly what I did. I gave up on Ethan. I look to my left and see that I haven't actually gone that far. I still see the house, and I know I need to go home soon. I slowly walk out the water and shake all bad thoughts off. The sun is still burning hot, but the heat isn't as harsh.I let the sand fall through my toes as I walk up to my stuff. I pick up my towel and begun to dry myself off. I see shadows on the ground in front of me, then a familiar voice sounds.

"Hi, Paisley."

A/N: someone please inbox me, I'm having a bad day :(

Peace, love and Ethan Karpathy.