Let Yourself Fall // sequel to My Ethan Karpathy

Chapter 80.

PAISLEYS POV:

I walk down the road to our tree. I know it's going to be the only place where I can think properly. I turn my back to the roped off-blood stained grass patch only metres behind me. It's crazy how one minute you can be so sure about something, then the next you really aren't at all. This thought has barely crossed my mind. What if I'm meant to be with Jai? What if I've been lying to myself this entire time? I often think that maybe I should have some time to myself with no guys. Even just bring a few of my friends along. Just us girls, no guys. I'd take Grace, Christina, Cat and Meghan. But to be perfectly honest, I haven't really spoken to Meghan since we left school, I probably wouldn't take her. But a week or so away with Grace, Cat and Christina would be perfect. A chance to get things sorted, to not care about the guys. Just for a few days to sort ourselves out. I lay down and stare up at the branches. I hold my arm up to block the sun shining right into my eye. I see the ring, the beautiful promise ring Ethan got me. I bring the hand down as I sit up. I slide the ring off and just hold it in my palm. I feel my stomach drop, the way it does when you feel like you've left something important behind. Maybe it is Ethan, but a ring couldn't determine that. When I kiss both of them, it feels right. But Ethan feels better. Maybe he's just a better kisser or maybe I've brainwashed myself into thinking that. Jai is all kind of amazing and he's never given up on me, not once. Ethan is perfect, though. He's perfect for me and we've been through so much. Maybe I need to be brave and explore other options, maybe I've just been too scared to hurt Ethan. Maybe I'm lying to myself because I'm scared to commit so much to Ethan. I've already given him my first relationship, first date, first breakup, first kiss, my virginity, everything except my last name. Actually, I've already promised him that. I hear footsteps. I turn around to see Ethan standing there with a blank expression on his face. Did Jai tell him? He's going to break up with me, I know he is. Why am I so scared of that? Maybe Ethan is the right one.

"I thought you would be here." he says quietly, sitting down next to me.

He spots the ring in my hand and he sort of freezes, looking me in the eye. He's silently asking me why it's not on and why I look so guilty. I look down at my hands and don't know what to do.

"I have news." he says quietly, shuffling over closer.

"Mm?" I ask.

"So I talked to John, and he said you can come on the bus for two weeks. He wouldn't allow any more than that." he says, placing a hand on my knee.

"Oh."

"Baby, why aren't you happy about that?" He asks.

"I'm sorry, I'm just thinking. Thank you." I say distractedly.

"Uh oh, about what?" He asks.

"Just everything." I sigh.

He continues to stare at me for quite some time until he finally speaks.

"You're thinking that you need some time on your own. You're also having second thoughts about the promise ring and all of that." he says. He just read my mind again.

"Here's the thing, Paisley. I want to be with you, I need to be with you. Without you, I am nothing. I'd have no motivation, no confidence. Come with me for the two weeks, let me prove to you that I can be better than what I have been. Once the two weeks are up, you have a month to yourself." he proposes.

"You don't need to be better. You can't be better." I reassure him.

"No, I can be better. I need to prove to you that there's more to me than a scared guy who's got a lot of feelings." he says, laughing a bit at the end which makes me smile.

"That's not what I think of you." I smile, sliding the ring back on my finger. I almost hear him breathe a sigh of relief when I do that.

"Well that's what I think of myself right now. Spend these two days with Jai, and I'll talk to you at the after party, okay?" He says, taking his hand off my knee and placing it on my shoulder. It's more of a friendly gesture than a boyfriend gesture, and I'm not sure if it's comforting or not.