Let Yourself Fall // sequel to My Ethan Karpathy

Chapter 11.

PAISLEYS POV:

I watch as his smile drop in the matter of a millisecond to a look of disbelief and hurt. I just breathe in and out deeply, letting the tears fall out of my eyes silently. I also let them fall from Ethan's, I don't try to stop them.

"W-what?" Ethan stutters, not knowing what to do or say. I can almost hear his heart breaking, snapping like a flowers stem.

"I can't be with you." I say again.

"W-why?" Ethan cries.

"You will be so much happier without me. I'm bringing you down and I can't live with myself knowing that." I tell him.

"H-how could you say that?" Ethan asks, stepping back.

"I need to let you go be happy with your career, I might come back in a few years when it's all over, but now, it's goodbye." I tell him, hopefully sounding more confident than I feel. Because I know I'm lying.

"H-how could you possibly think I would be happier w-without you!?" He cries rather loudly.

"You will be."

"You're the only thing I have left." Ethan whispers.

"I'm sorry."

"You promised. D-does that ring mean anything to you?" Ethan sobs.

It means everything to me. That's what I want to say, but I don't.

"It's not forever." I tell him, even though it is.

"Please just tell me the truth. The truth why, that's not all, is it?"

"I need to go." I say, walking towards the door, Ethan grabs my arm so I can't go any further.

"No." is all he says.

I just stare at his hand. I can feel the heartbeat in his thumb, it's beating rapidly. I savour three more seconds of his heart beat because I know this is the last time I'm going to feel it.

"Let go." I whisper.

"I'm not letting you go." he cries.

"Ethan," I say. "Let go."

I use my other hand to drag his off my arm. He takes the chance to grab my fingers, his hand trembling.

"Please." he whispers.

I don't want to, it's going to make it harder, but I do. I press my lips against his, savouring the perfect taste and the way we fit together perfectly. He's my perfect guy, he's everything I want. But I can't live here anymore. I can't live on this earth.

"Goodbye." I whisper, I drag my hand away from Ethan's. I swear it went in slow motion as I watch our hands breaking apart.

I run down the stairs and take one final glimpse of Ethan standing at the top, hurt, sad, heartbroken. I have to do it now, there's no turning back. I'm going to do it, I can't live like this anymore. Ethan will be okay, he will get over it, find someone better than me. I've tried, and I've tried more, but nothing seems to get better. I've lived in this hell hole for too long, and it's time for it to end. It's time to end everything.