Let Yourself Fall // sequel to My Ethan Karpathy

Chapter 60.

*SECRET POV. SORRY AYY*

I think I have feelings for her. No, I know I have feelings for her. I feel like she needs help in so many ways, and he's oblivious to it. I know I can help her in so many more ways than he can. I can be there more, my work is more flexible now. I can help her get better, because he has no idea. He's broken, but so is she. Someone broken can't help someone else broken. I'm not broken, Im cracked. I know it's only a matter of time before I break, but I feel like she can save me from that. I just feel like I can give her so much more, make her feel even better.

It frustrates me. I've heard of everything he's done and how he's contributed in making her feel this way. He just can't seem to see past her invisible wall like I can. Or if he can, he's not doing much to help her. I know how she is feeling, and I know I can help her. There's so much she's not telling people, and I want to know what. I can save her, like he can't. I know what it feels like to feel what she is. I've tried to take my own life before, and I know what she's feeling. No one knows this of course, not anyone. My parents didn't even find out, I just claimed I had a sore neck. I got a couple of days off of school.

They knew something was up, and they sent me to a councillor because I wouldn't talk to anyone else. I really didn't open up much to the councillor, but somehow she helped me. I got my life back on track and followed my dream. Now look at me. I can tell they love each other, but it's possible to love more than one person at a time. There's a special word for it, I just can't think of it. I can see past her smiles and her tears. I know all that shit she tells us when she cries. I can tell there's something she's not telling him.

"I just don't know what to do." I state, putting down my glass of water.

"You can't do anything about it. Love sucks." she replies, sitting on the stool in front of me.

"I feel like I should tell someone." I sigh, taking another drink.

"You told me."

"Yeah, but someone else." I explain, just thinking out loud.

"No. This is just one of those things that you can't change, no matter how much you want to. I'm sorry, but you can't tell anyone. Especially either one of them." she tells me. It's like a stab to the heart hearing that. She's right, though. I need to keep this between us.

Seeing her with him, it just gives me a massive stab of shooting pain that goes right from my head to my toes. That jealousy, that desire. I have to ignore it, and it's one of the hardest things to do in the world. To give up on, to let go of these feelings is just impossible. You can't 'just be friends' with someone you think you might love. I keep telling myself that one day I'll wake up and find someone better. I pray at night in hope that that happens, because I don't want my secret getting out and ruining her life that little bit more. That's just not fair, and that's everything that I'm trying to stop for her.

I remember when she said she loved me all those nights ago. I know she didn't mean it like that, but it still gave me butterflies. I know I wasn't thinking straight either, but it was one of the best nights of my life. That kiss, it was perfect. I feel like I've waited a lifetime to kiss a girl like that again. I don't know what I'm thinking. I know I need to push these feelings aside because none of that matters. No matter what I say or do, they're not breaking up again. I had my chance, and I let her go back to him. She probably would have blown me off for him eventually anyway. I could've had her a little longer in my arms, though. I could have persuaded her to stay with me and i could've saved her.

It's not fair how life says we can only love or be with one person. Even if she did date me, she would end up with him. They're like magnets. You can pull them apart, but they will always have that connection. And when they're together, they're stuck. I just wish I could kiss her again, I need to kiss her again. It's just this fighting urge inside of me. I know I can't, but I know I will slip up one day. Maybe I'll get lucky in a game of truth or dare. But for now, I can only hope.

She's made her choice.