Let Yourself Fall // sequel to My Ethan Karpathy

Chapter 78.

ETHANS POV:

I decide to keep a small distance away from Paisley, but I want to be able to see her just in case. She enters the cemetery gate and disappears around the corner. I give it a few minutes before going in myself. When I do, I spot her straight away. She's sitting on the ground, one leg crossed and her bad one straight out in front of her. She's sitting in front of what I'm assuming is her mums grave. It's a white marble grave with black, curly writing. I remember because I used to come here without Paisley a lot. I used to talk to her mum before moving on to talk to mine. My mum is buried in the block over, but right now, I honestly only care about Paisley. I try to walk slowly and quietly, not wanting to scare her.

"Mum, it's not fair," she says to the marble. "Why is this happening to me? I feel like I've led you astray. I used to be your little girl, and now look what's happened to me. I miss you so much and all I want is for you to be here." I see a little bush with small purple flowers on it. I pick a few, and carry them over to Paisley. I set them down on Susan's grave before sitting down next to her.

"Hi, Susan. It's Ethan. I don't know if what they say is true. Although, I'm hoping you can hear me, or I could just be taking to a rock. No matter what, I'm going to take that chance. I'm so sorry. All I ever wanted was to protect Paisley, and I feel like all I've done is steal your little girl away from you. I never wanted any of this to happen to her, I wanted to be her hero, be the one that kept her from all of these things. But I failed. I failed you, and I failed myself. The only thing I can hang onto now is the love that I feel for her. I wish you were here so I could talk to you, to tell you how much I love your daughter. I know for sure that I'm going to marry your girl one day, and I wanted to ask you for your blessing. I wanted you to help plan the wedding, write the vows. I wish you were here so you could give her away, to tell her how beautiful she looks in her dress, to walk her down the aisle. I wish you could see how proud I am for her and what we have. I can wish, and I can wish some more, but I know it can't change anything. I love Paisley with everything I've got, and it breaks my heart every single time she cries, every time something bad happens to her. I feel like every time she cries, I need to cry too. When she's sad, it just seems so wrong for me to be happy. All I know is that this girl beside me, I've never loved anything more. I promise I'm trying to keep her safe, and I'm sure we are going to catch a break soon. Until then, please wait for her. Wait for her in heaven, because she is definitely going there. If she lives for a hundred days, I only want to live for ninety nine, because I don't think I can live a day on this earth without her." I let everything out to the writing on the stone, gripping Paisley's hand tighter than I ever have before.

"Mum, I wish you could be here with me and Ethan. I'm happy, mum. You always told me I had to be happy in life, and now I know what you meant. Ethan makes me so happy, and he's doing so much more than he should for me. Sometimes I get up in the morning and walk down the stairs. I see Ethan sitting on the couch, reading or something. Sometimes I just sit on the stairs and watch him. I picture you sitting there with him. You would have gotten along so well with Ethan. We would've had one of those tight families that always got along. You would love Ethan. I don't know if you can, but I hope you can see how much I love him and how happy he makes me." she says, not able to say anymore because she's choking up too much. I pull her in slowly for a hug. She only has one arm in use, but that's enough. She rests her head against my chest as she sits up against me, staring at the grave.

"Thank you, Ethan." she says softly.

"Anything to make you feel better."

She stands up slowly and starts walking. I don't know where she's going, but I think she just needs a few seconds of peace. I hear her footsteps crunching on the gravel as she walks away. I turn slowly my head to my right to avoid pain and see she's walking much further away than I thought she would go. Then I realise where she's headed. I get up but my head goes all fuzzy. I try to walk, but everything spins. I walk around blindly until I find something solid. It felt like a pole. I lean my forehead against it until I recover. I then walk slowly in the direction of mums grave where Paisley is sitting awkwardly with her knee. She looks at me as I sit down on the left of her. I put my arm around her back and hold her hand with my free hand. I know what she's going to do.