i'm sorry that i fell for you -jaegan-

chapter eleven - worse

justin's p.o.v

"you wanna put on a movie?" he asks and i snap out of my thoughts. oh i forgot what we were doing.

"o-oh sure." i stutter and shut my eyes tight. why did i stutter? why?

"hey." he says gently and i know that he knows when i'm upset. i'm still facing away from him, my back is to him.

"what?" i grab the remote, trying to find a good movie.

"look at me." he says and i now just realize i have tears floating in my eyes. i did not want that to happen, especially right now.

"why? i'm putting on a movie." i try to make an excuse but he doesn't stop.

"i said, look at me." he says a little more demanding. i turn my head back to him and his face softens quickly ones he sees my eyes.

"is that what you wanted to see?" i ask turning back now and wiping my eyes.

"no." he whispers and i keep clicking through the movies.

"okay let's watch-"

"just stop jay." i hear him say and i stop. i drop the remote and take a deep breathe.

"what rae?" i ask turning around and sitting criss cross in front of him. he's still laying down leaning on one elbow towards me. "stop making it so obviously that i keep crying because i know! okay i know i'm a damn baby all of a sudden."

"that's not what-"

"yes it is!" i raise my voice. "i-i'm trying to distract myself and put on a movie but you keep telling me to stop, for what? what do you want? what do you want me to do?!" after i say all of that, he puts his head down slightly. i just wait, breathing heavy, waiting for an answer.

"i just don't want you to feel upset and it seems like i'm ignoring it." he says.

"well what are you trying to do? you can't do anything about it." i say shrugging harshly at him. "just stop."

"alright." he says sitting up against my headboard farther away from me and going on his phone. i keep looking at him, not wanting to believe that he just moved away from me. but he did. and he doesn't look back at me. it's my fault.

i get up off my bed and leave my bedroom, going into the bathroom. i feel all of my emotions come flooding back and i'm crying like a little kid. don't cry over this damn boy. this is ridiculous...but i can't help it.

"justin i'm going to go." i hear him say outside the door. i quickly wipe my tears and rush to the door opening it.

"no wait the storm is still bad." i say greeting him as soon as the door opens. he looks down immediately.

"i'm making everything worse. i don't want to be around you if i'll just keep making you upset." he says and i sigh aloud.

"it's me. it's all me. i'm making everything worse." i say taking his hand and bringing him back to my bedroom. "i just don't want to be away from you." i hug around his torso, squeezing him tight.

"holy shit." i hear him under his breath and i know he's so overwhelmed right now. we are two totally different people.

i pick my head up to look at his face and he's already looking down at me. i glance at his lips and i can't help it right now. i put my hands on the back of his neck and quickly guide his face down to mine. our lips collide and i walk forward, causing him to move back. his legs touch the edge of my bed and he falls back into my soft pillows. i get on top of him and continue to kiss him. he puts his hands on my hips and i realize how intense this kiss got so fast.

i disconnect from his lips for a second and sit up on his lap. i move myself down so his belt to his jeans is visible to me. i try to take his belt off quickly as i'm already sort of breathing heavy. but he stops me.

"jay, this is not going to make things better." he says taking my wrists into his hands gently. i rip away from them quickly.

"i don't really care right now." i whine, trying to take it off again and this time he doesn't stop me.

"it's going to make everything worse, please." he begs as i finally undo it. i unbutton them and unzip them and at that moment he stops me again.

"hold on." he says sitting up and meeting his face with mine. "first of all, your dad is home." he says touching my cheek lightly.

"i don't-"

"you should care." he cuts me off gently. "it's already bad as it is. i don't want this to happen again if your feelings are going to grow even more for me." he says.

"they won't rae." i say rushing out my words. he gives me that look like he knows i'm such bullshit.

"you don't know that." he says. "can we please just not do this?" he asks.

"wouldn't you want to though?" i ask suddenly and his eyes open a bit in shock. his face also totally drops.

"no." he shakes his head. "listen to me, okay? please?" he's so sweet and gentle when he talks to me. i simply nod at him.

"i know you only wanna do this because you think it'll take your mind off of things, or you just want to feel good. but it won't. it won't make anything better. i think it's already bad that i stayed here over night and now i need to stay here all day. it's not going to let your feelings go away. they will only grow." he explains to me and i feel like no matter what i do i can't take my eyes off of him.

"how do you not have feelings after all of this? at all?" i ask, sort of ignoring al he said.

"i just don't. i'm sorry jay. it doesn't happen." he says and i sigh.

"fine." i say, getting off of his lap and laying next to him on my bed. but this time i'm not facing him. i close my eyes and relax, trying not to think about what just happened.

hope you enjoyed loves
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