i'm sorry that i fell for you -jaegan-

chapter seventeen - im sorry

justin's p.o.v

after a little, raegan carried me to the couch and laid me down. i felt totally embarrassed at this point and didn't even want to look at him. i still don't understand. i thought those attacks stopped happening years ago.

he went to the kitchen and and got me a bottle of water, handing it to me. i take it and drink some of it. then i see him reach over and get the blanket that was on the top of my couch, laying that on me carefully. he sits down next to me, not looking at me so i'm not uncomfortable.

"i-i don't know why that happened." i speak first and he looks directly at me. "i used to get those attacks when i was little very often. but it hasn't happened in years." i explain to him. i can tell he doesn't know
what to say.

"as long you're okay, it's fine." he says, smiling a little at me.

"i know you're just saying that. i'm totally embarrassed that i would freak out like after-"

"hey no, don't be embarrassed." he cuts me off, putting his hand on mine. i shrug at him. "i'm just confused. you said..-"

"i know." i tell him nodding.

"did you mean it? do you really?" he asks, totally hoping that i don't mean it. that i don't really love him. i can't lie anymore. i can't hide it.

"yeah, i guess i do." i say, looking down. it's silent for a moment.

"i don't even know what to say. i'm the worst possible person you could ever like, never mind love." he says. wait.

"actually, you're not." i say and furrows his eyebrows at me.

"what?" he asks confused. here we go.

"if you really care, which i think you do but i honestly don't know anymore, have you realized the way you've treated me? besides those bullshit times?" i ask him being dead serious.

"i mean sure but-"

"raegan." i cut him off. "you always hung out with me. you always made sure i was okay. and even when you did fuck up you wouldn't leave me alone. isn't that saying something? and you're here right now after everything." i tell him and shrug.

"i don't know." is all he says. "i don't feel anything."

"so you're just that good at faking i guess." i sigh looking down, putting my elbows on my knees. "you're real damn confusing."

"look at me." he says quietly and i slowly bring my head up to look at him. his hand comes up to touch the bottom of my chin and his lips touch mine in a gentle kiss. i close my eyes, feeling this deeper than ever because of how i feel for him. and this could end at any point. every kiss needs to be like the last.

he pulls away and we open our eyes together. i wait for him to say something, anything. my heart is jumping out of my chest.

"you know i care about you so much." he says, trying to not hurt my feelings. i can hear it in his voice.

"yeah." i nod, looking away. "i sort of know."

"if it makes you feel any better, i feel a little something. it's not totally nothing like other people." he says and my whole body shivers a little at that. that does make me feel better in a small way. i smile a little and he smiles back.

"see what i mean when i say you treat me good. you're making me try and feel better." i say quietly and he doesn't say anything.

"can you do me a favor maybe?" i ask and i can't believe in about to do this. but i want him and i can't ignore it.

"what is it?" he asks curious.

"can you..can you maybe not kiss or hook up with anyone else for a little. not sounding crazy but focusing on me might change something. that's of course if you'd ever want to try and like me, and then be with me." i look down quickly, regretting every word i just said. he's gonna laugh. he's gonna go tell his friends. he won't do that. he won't-

"okay." i hear and look back up, shocked like you've never seen.

"really?" i let out a big smile unintentionally and i feel my cheeks heating up. i cover my face quickly.

"yeah. i mean it's fun hanging with you and i'm sure having feelings would be even better. just don't count on it, i don't know if i'm totally capable of that just yet." he says quietly and i smile again at him. oh my god i'm insane.

i open my arms and go in for a quick hug. i almost jump onto his lap, staying there for a few moments. he does the same, wrapping his strong arms around me tightly.

"you're the different one." i tell him. he shakes his head lightly.

"you've always been different in the best way. ever since i met you." he kisses the side of my head, and i just nuzzle my head into his neck.

"i'm sorry i fell for you. i'm sorry i put all of this on you. if you really want to leave, you can." i say loud enough for him to hear.

"don't be sorry. i guess it happens." i hear him says i wrap my arms around him tighter, never wanting to leave.

"but i am sorry." i say and realize my whole perspective on this has changed. "you don't have to stop seeing other people. you don't have to try and feel something for me. i'm crazy for thinking i can tell you to do that-" i rant.

"hey hey shh." he lifts up my head with his finger under my chin. our eyes connect immediately and he looks at me with soft eyes. "everything is going to be okay. you're not crazy and again, you don't need to be sorry. just..relax a little, okay?" he kisses my lips gently and quickly after saying that and i just nod, taking in a deep breathe and letting it out.

i miss jaegan lot ngl
never be the same :(
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