i'm sorry that i fell for you -jaegan-

chapter forty two - not okay

justin's p.o.v

raegan ended up staying at my house after we talked. if i'm being honest, i didn't want to leave. i know what he did was terribly wrong and pretty much the worst thing you can do in a relationship, but i know he loves me. he hasn't lied about that.

"jay?" i look beside me at him sitting next to me on the couch.

"yeah?" i ask gently.

"can i um..can i still drive you to school everyday?" he asks sounding nervous. i nod, still wanting him to of course.

"sure." i agree and keep my eyes on him. he puts his head down slightly, looking forward. i focus my eyes on him and my heart start beating fast when i see a tear roll down his cheek. "hey." i say quietly and move closer to him. i put my finger under his chin and life his head up. our eyes meet and the last thing i ever wanted to see on his face is tears.

"hm." he wipes his eyes gently and i'm shocked what i'm seeing. even after he wipes his eyes, more tears still swell in his eyes. oh my god. he's crying.

"please don't cry rae." i rub his cheek softly.

"i've fucked up so many times with you and i'm scared i'm going to do it again cause i've realized how much of an asshole i really am." he says and i shake my head, looking at him with sad eyes.

"no you're not." i tell him. he just nods, slipping away from my hand and putting his head down.

"yes i am." he shoves his head in his arms and i really hate seeing him like this. i know he deserves to be upset for what he did but i can't look at him like this.

"rae it's okay. please..just relax." i rub his back and lean down to where he is.

"it's not okay." he says keeping his head in his arms. "you're the only damn person who's ever cared about me and i've hurt you more times than i can count." he continues and i gently grab his arm, pulling it away from his face. he let's me and i try to look into his eyes. he won't let me.

"look at me." i say but he doesn't move. he keeps his head turned. "rae it's only me. don't be afraid to cry in front of me." i keep his hand on his arm and i hear him sigh before looking at me. i've never seen him such a mess. "you're all new at this ya know-"

"i know but for gods sake i'm a teenager. you'd think i would know how to be a decent person and not act like a child." he says. "i feel like i'm not capable of loving someone and treating them good but i love you more than i can handle."

"you do treat me good raegan." i tell him. "i know you love me and i also know you can handle that. like i said though, you're new at relationships and it's not that you're not a decent person. i just feel like you freak out sometimes." i wrap his arm around his neck and run my fingers through the hair on the back of his head. he just looks into my eyes not saying or doing anything for a moment.

"how many times have i made you upset and cry for the dumbest reasons imaginable-"

"that's in the past." i cut him off.

"but this isn't and this is the worst damage i've ever caused to you." he says quickly. "i just want to be with you and always be happy."

"you know people in relationship aren't always happy." i tell him. he shakes his head.

"but they don't usually cheat on their significant other." he says.

"oh my god stop coming back at me when i'm trying to make this better." i laugh a little, trying to lighten the mood.

"i'm the only one who can try to make this better. you've done nothing but love and protect me. stop making it harder for me to think i'm a good person because i compare myself to you." he smiles a little, trying to do the same same. "you're perfect."

"yeah right." i roll my eyes.

"you've never done anything bad to me. so you are perfect." he says and something pops up in my mind. on my god. kyle. i lied to him.

"actually.." i start to say and he furrows his eyebrows. oh no, now i feel bad. "i have lied to you."

"about what?" he asks curious. i stay quiet for a moment. "there's no way i'll be mad. i'm just trying to get you back right now."

"remember when kyle came over saying he wanted to apologize for something?" i ask. he nods, listening to me. "it wasn't because he didn't sit with me at lunch."

"why was he then?" he asks.

"he tried to kiss me." i blurt out and he looks at me confused. "the day you had a talk with your friends to leave us alone and he came over, he tried to kiss me but i didn't let him." i say quickly, nervous of his reaction.

a smile forms on his face and he starts laughing quietly. i furrow my eyebrows back at him in confused as i watch his laughter grow. i sit there just staring at him.

"what's so funny?" i ask.

"oh my god i hate you." he says as he keeps laughing, grabbing my hands and taking them into his.

"i'm confused." i tell him. he scoots closer to me and smiles.

"that is not a way to make me feel better." he pouts playfully now and i'm still confused.

"why?" i ask.

"because that doesn't matter to me. sure you didn't tell me but you didn't kiss him back so again, proving my point that you're your perfect." he says and i'm shocked. what goes through his mind.

"oh whatever." i say sticking my tongue out at him playfully. "well since it's so funny, i'm not sorry i lied." i smile and he giggles. then it's silent.

raegan has grown on me too much for me to let that be the end of us. people make mistakes. no ones perfect. we've been on an adventure and i'm not ready for that adventure to end.

"i'm sorry for everything justin. i'll make this all better, i swear." he says to me and i smile.

"good." i say back. he looks at his phone quick.

"well i'll give you some time alone, i should get home. i'll see you tomorrow morning?" he asks with a hopeful look on.

"yeah." i tell him and i can just see the happiness suddenly grow by the look on his face.

"okay, bye." he touches my knee gently before standing up and walking to door.

i watch him as he puts his shoes on and is about to walk out of the door.

"rae?" i say suddenly and he stops immediately, looking at me. he's almost out the door and he stops himself.

"yes?" he asks focusing on me. i shouldn't say what i'm about to say. but i don't want him to leave without me saying it after he said it plenty of times.

"i love you." i say and he smiles big. then, he quickly comes over to me and wraps his arms around my waist, picking me up off the couch and squeezing me. i hug him back wrapping my arms around his neck and giggling at how cute he is.

"i love you more." he says and i can tell he's smiling bigger than ever right now. like really, how can i say he meant everything he's done.

slowly get back into this shit 🤪
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