Lost in You

Chapter 43 - Helen

God, please give me back my grandson. I was so wrong... From the very beginning. I should have known Daisy better than this. She ruined Christian's childhood and stupid me, I didn't stop her. God...

Christian told me about his dad, James Stokes. The one who kept coming back to see him, while my daughter kept rejecting him. I still remember one time a guy came to our house. Daisy was so angry at him. I just came back from LA. I heard Daisy shouted and punched him. He just stayed there covered himself with his hand. He didn't even fight back. I came and stopped them. Asked the guy what happened, but Daisy pulled me back to the house and told me to not bother this man. I should have known something was wrong. I didn't remember this guy, but it should be him... Christian told me this guy kept coming back for a year. Consuela told me there was a guy who kept coming here, and it was this guy.

The reason why Daisy disagreed for the adoption was because her main focus was to send Christian far away from his father. So we wouldn't find out that no one raped her. I should have known Daisy. She was wild when she was young. She was so pretty, everyone loves her, she was like a princess. And she was so brave and wild too. I didn't say anything doesn't mean I agree. I just believe my daughter that she wouldn't be that stupid, plus I was distracted with work as well.

I look at Christian, I can't even bring myself to touch him. I feel so dirty "I'm sorry Christian. My fault.. It's all my fault. I should've known her better. Daisy and her lifestyle. She wasn't ready to be a mom. I'm sorry"

Christian shakes his head, his tears fall and he wipes it abruptly. "back then I always thought you don't want me too... I was so angry with you because you always agreed with my mom. I didn't know you were the one who protected me when I was helpless in mom's tummy."

I shake my head "that's my job to protect you, Christian" I whisper to him. "I'm sorry..." For the first time after we talked about the past Christian holds my hand. His hand is so warm. My grandson. I hold his hand tightly "I'm sorry. God, I can't even forgive myself. I was so blind. I wanted my daughter back, but I didn't realized it costed me my grandson's childhood"

Christian doesn't say anything. His jaw worked. He is trying to hold back his tears.

"I shouldn't listen to the shrink. I should stand by your side. Daisy should face the reality that she has you as her son not a mistake" God, I'm so stupid.

"Grandma... you remember when I was 5, a boy in my school said mom is a bitch and I punched him?"

"Yeah I know. Did you know your grandpa was so proud of you when I told him?" I still remember back then Michael and I were so busy in LA. The school called us to let us know that Christian was getting into a brawl with his friend. They told us the details and the school was sorry because the kid said that to Christian. But still, a 5 years kid couldn't go without detention after a fight for whatever reason it is.

"I told Michael and he laughs proudly 'that's my grandson! He knows how to protect his family' but of course we never told you. Back then you were 5." I smile bitterly to Christian. I should have told him back then. So he would've known we love him.

Christian chuckles and the chuckle turns into laughter. And his tears prickle down from his eyes.

"Christian?"

And his laughter turns into cry. My heart breaks with him. I hug him so tightly "my Christian. I'm sorry Christian.. I love you. Your grandpa loved you too. We always love you, son" I keep whispering to him while hugging him. Rocking both of us like I used to when he was a baby. Christian cries and hugs me tightly.

Please God, give me time to make it up to him. Please... too many tears, too little smile.

***

After a while both of us finally can compose ourselves. I asked Christian about his dad. He told me about James Stokes' family, and James' health condition. Christian told me he is planning to donate his liver, since the result from the hospital came out that he is a compatible donor for his dad. But he told me his dad was angry and disagreed. From what I heard, James Stoke is a nice man. I will ask Jack to background check on him. Just to make sure. But I believe in Christian judgement.

I smile at him. "I'm glad you found him, Christian"

He nods and smiles to the wall "yeah, I'm glad too. Thanks to Merry"

Meredith Underhill... I always know she is a good girl. Madeline's best friend. And I'm glad now Christian with her. He looks more happier than before.

"She is a great woman" I squeeze his hand. Christian smiles... my grandson is in love with this woman... but I don't think he realized it.

"Christian, I hope one day you can let me meet your dad and his family"

Christian's head snaps at me.

I add quickly "I just want to get to know him. After all, he is your dad"

Slowly a smile forming from Christian lips. "I'll arrange for that, grandma"

I smile and hold his hand "I hope we can start all over again Christian. Let me make up the mistake I made in the past"

He shakes his head. "No grandma, you didn't do anything wrong. I was thinking you never wanted me like my mom. But now I know I was wrong. You did nothing wrong. And I'm sorry... I'm sorry for all the behavior and hateful words I told you before. We can't start all over again. Let the past be a lesson for us" he smiles to me.

I hug him tightly "I love you Christian..." my tears prickle again. I didn't expect Christian to say the same, but after a while, he muffles in my hug, with a voice full of emotion "I love you Grandma..."