Solitary

Chapter 60- It's Been Interesting

Victor had starting asking me a plethora of questions after I had offered to help him understand.

"What does it feel like?"

"Like everything in my body is breaking and trying to shift but...can't."

"When did it first start, you going through this?"

"When it first happened I was eighteen and it was during when Amber and Alpha Ricky were mating. It was the most intense and painful shit I'd ever gone through in my life." I say leaning back in my seat.

"Why haven't you told anyone about it? Wait why haven't you consulted a pack doctor, or any doctor?" He asked. Leaning towards me over the arm rest. We were still in the theater and the movie was almost done.

"I didn't tell anyone about it because I looked at it as a personal problem. Also a pack doctor is for the pack, sure on paper I'm a pack member, but I was barely apart of anything that they did. So I could have easily been turned away without any reason except for the fact they don't recognize me as apart of the pack." I say.

"A doctor is supposed to help regardless." He says. "Have you ever hurt anyone during an episode?"

"I have." I say honestly. But I leave it there refusing to go any further. By my silence Victor understood not to push further on it.

"And that's why you didn't want anyone to see you during this." He said as more of a statement then a question.

"Bingo." I say.

"Do you remember anything?"

"I remember everything." I scoff. "God I remember all of it." I lean forward in my seat holding my head in my hands. Memories of last night flash through my head, every single desire and dark thought I had, every single bone that broke and where. And how defeated I was at the end of it.

"Nikolai had to carry you out the dungeon, you were completely catatonic I almost thought you had died." He says, his eyes falling to the floor.

"I'm like that for maybe a day before I can get myself up." I say as matter of fact. "It's just me lying in a pool of hair and sweat."

"I wanted to ask about that too,"

"My hair and nails grow when I'm too emotionally charged or vulnerable. Mostly negative emotions like rage, depression, sadness." I list off. "I've managed to keep my self more apathetic and logical, so I'm not so emotional."

"That's....that's a lot of work." Victor says as he looks at me bewildered. "And this is a regular thing for you, you've dealt with this every month for two years."

"That is correct." I say with a nod. Pressing my lips together.

"But why? Why I don't understand why this is happening, why this?"

"Wolves are social creatures Victor. They essentially need a pack to be functional and healthily social. A wolf with no pack, must be off for some reason. Mates are not meant to reject each other. You get rejected there is a high chance you can die. I'm a wolf barely recognized by her pack and now there is a consistent possibility of my death. So throw that in the mix with drug and alcohol addiction, you got yourself the atom bomb." I say pointing to myself with a apathetic smile. "And if one more thing fucks me up, it's over for everyone."

"Does this contribute to your strength?"

"I'm surprised your asking so many questions." I say honestly.

"I've lived a long time but I've never once met a wolf like you. It's terrifyingly fascinating."

"You make me sound like a serial killer." I say raising an eyebrow at him.