Get out

Words Of The Heart

Author’s note: I was listening to Billie Eilish’s song When the Party’s Over  as I wrote this. It got me in the vibe to write this in the mindset of its writer.

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Dear beloved,

       Everyday I’ve prepared myself to lose you, it’s just the world I live in, the one I brought you into. Yet upon losing you over and over again, I can never prepare enough. You’re my heart Eddy Chen, the beat that makes me alive. There’s just an empty cavity in my chest where you filled it. Making me no longer human and no longer alive. Alex Zhao doesn’t exist without you, he never really existed anyways besides being an alias, but even you gave life unto that. Only Zero exists, being capable of being no one or anyone. Yet you’ve taught such a formless thing that humanity is beautiful. So forgive me this one time for being selfish, for pushing you away. They weren’t going to let you live, for all they cared you were already dead. They told me you were dead, providing some of your bloody dog tags as evidence. They’ve always been known to withhold information or to fabricate it. I should have guessed this was the case when they refused me to find your body and take over the assignment . I should have come despite the monitoring and the consequences looming over my head. I’m sorry for breaking our promise and not coming for you. You don’t have to forgive me for my cowardice. You can hate me even, as long as you keep breathing. I know you wouldn’t mind resting in my arms forever, I know you wouldn’t mind dying if it meant seeing me again. I’m selfish though, I would rather live knowing that you’re alive even if I can never hold you again. All that I am, I’ll lay down for you. I live to keep you safe, and I live to keep you free. I failed the first time, but I won’t again. So I’ll live on too, so the organization can’t touch you. Whether that makes me a guardian angel or the grim reaper.

                   

                                                                 - Zero