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Existing without Purpose

Drifting down to the floor, the piece of paper found its resting place. The alone form shook, tremors running through his body, but no sound escaped him. There was no sound of sorrow nor a scream of frustration. His prison was filled with only silence. With wide and blank eyes, his head bowed. Even though he was staring at the floor, it was as if he saw nothing. Darkness filled his vision, suffocating his very being. Eddy couldn't breathe, he couldn't even move. Tremors were the only form of movement he was capable of at that point. Everything was so bleak.

Why had he been asked to keep living a life he had never wanted in the first place. Why was he the reason Alex kept living a life he had never wanted to be born into. The reason he had lived was to live with the love that he had chosen. One should never live for just a person, otherwise one's world built on dependence would crash around them once the person disappeared like dust in the wind.

The world was cruel, Eddy had always known this. Never once had it stopped moving for the ones that had been left behind. Without batting an eye it kept going on, not allowing anyone to ever catch up. It was funny to believe that as a child he was an optimist who held onto his dreams despite his fears. In reality he was just lying to himself, believing he could make it and have that fairy tale ending.

Eddy Chen was a fool who kept on existing without purpose. One day, he thought he would have learned; the only hope he had on the path he chose was death. Now, not even that would come to him.

His throat tightened, it was like he was under water, a burning sensation of drowning consumed him. A shaky hand finally lifted, wiping the corners of his eyes, as if it would make the grief vanish like the tears. All it did was make it hurt worse. The pain felt so real as if physical. Eddy was slow to realize he had sunk his teeth into his own flesh. The hand coming up to take away his grief, was now his source of relief. Pain was the only thing to ease the sorrows that filled him, so when he realized he only clamped down harder and screwed his eyes shut.

~~~~

"Eddy, dear, that's not good for you," Came Alex's soothing voice. One hand soothingly running up the younger's neck to cup his cheek, as the other carefully removed Eddy's appendage from his mouth. The damage had already been done though, teeth marks outlined in the bloody skin. As a musician he should protect his hands, but as a punishment he had no right playing the violin. The pain could serve him as a reminder to be better and do better, so one day that he may be deserving.

"It's what I deserve," Eddy nearly sobbed as Alex cradled his hand. He couldn't bring himself to look at his boyfriend, afraid of what the other would say. Maybe he would break up because it was unattractive for a partner to hurt themselves. Would he have to make up for it like he usually had to with Jeremy? Or would he be yelled at? Eddy was scared despite all the gentle touches and the soft tone.

"You don't deserve this Eddy, I'm sorry someone made you believe otherwise," Alex withdrew his hand from Eddy's cheek, ruffling through his bag carefully. He pulled out two things, one was a first aid kit and the other was a silicone in a crystalized shape, specifically meant for chewing, "Here, chew this instead. It may help."

He placed it in the boy's okay hand.

Eddy stared at it a bit dumbfounded, "W-why do you have this."

He felt a bit embarrassed that he was basically given a chew toy like he was some mutt.

Alex gently pet over Eddy's wrist, tracing the marks, "Because it keeps me from biting myself."

And others, he duly noted to himself, "I do it under high emotional pressure. It's nothin to be ashamed of."

He looked at Eddy as he spoke tenderly. Then he smiled when He finally caught Eddy's gaze, "And I'm not ashamed of you either, if you need to clamp your teeth down on something then do it. I just want you to be okay and safe while doing it."

They had only been dating a month, so he wasn't fully aware of everything Alex did or didn't do. They had been friends for a good while and shared a lot but Alex was so multifaceted. He didn't think he even had seen Alex without long sleeves on. Well besides when they skinny dipped, but it was pitch black so it was hard to see.

"You do too...." Eddy watched Alex in bewilderment. It was a relief he wasn't alone though. Alex smiled, and as if sensing Eddy's curiosity he rolled up his sleeves. The man was more littered in scars and bruises than Eddy himself. How did Alex have so many! How could Alex still flash him such a beautiful smile despite the war raged on his skin?!

He didn't ask though, he simply put the silicone chew in his mouth to gnaw on.

Alex made no moves to roll down his sleeves, he only started to take care of Eddy's bloody hand. He wanted to make sure it wouldn't get affected, "See, Eddy. It does matter how many times you fail and fall. What matters is if you get up or not. Life is hard, and we will always disappoint ourselves but our failures don't define us. Nor do our demons. These aren't badges of honor but a story of my survival. I am not ashamed of that and neither should you be. The one you should love on this earth is yourself, and I am here to help you. You're amazing Eddy."

The smaller male lifted the bandaged hand to kiss. He wasn't afraid of Eddy's demons, nor was he afraid of his own.

~~~~

Eddy later learned that Alex bit himself too because he wanted to feel human. He had no other to speak his concerns to, so he poured his sorrows out through the clamping of teeth in flesh. Eddy admired Alex though and was almost frightened by that smile. No matter how many times he had been sliced, bruised and broken, he kept getting back up. Never bowing in submission to his demons or tormentors. Always standing with a smile on his face, no matter who's body he stood atop of.

Eddy wasn't like that though, he was a coward not to end himself yet selfish to want to live. He would never reach the stars, the corpses of his sins would pull him under the waves as Alex kept climbing until he got to the top.

His heart broke at the thought that maybe his beloved would stop shooting for the stars because he lost the bit that grounded him in humanity. Eddy didn't want Alex to give up all he was just for him. Him, a man who never learned from his mistakes.

"Hopeless, you're the one he lives to protect but you can't even take care of yourself like he wanted you too, " Eddy scorned himself hysterically, spitting his hand from his mouth. The scene was all too familiar, except this time Alex wasn't around to care for him.