Deliverance [h.s.]

six | desperation is a bad look on you

Are there some aces up your sleeve?

Have you no idea that you're in deep?

Do I Wanna Know || Arctic Monkeys

*************

Today I learned that ceilings, although bare, can be incredibly entertaining. It's so easy to lose the concept of time while staring at a slate white ceiling. I've spent the entire night wide awake with my eyes entranced on the shelter above me. I spent time reminiscing, beating myself up, plotting, but mostly I just tried to make faces out of the texture in the ceiling.

The sun had risen hours prior but I couldn't pry my eyes away. I wish my mind was as empty and blank as the roofing above me. I've never been much good at sleeping, my mind found the most to focus on when it was dark. The noise seemed to only get louder at night. I wanted to shut it off, make it all go away even if it was just for a couple of seconds. I've never known what quiet actually was, my head is constantly filled with noise that just echoed on and on in my brain. Sometimes it feels as if I'm screaming for help and no one can hear me, but I'm not screaming.

I can't scream.

So instead I've found myself searching for faces in the ceiling.

I knew realistically, I had to pull myself out of bed. I had to throw the sheets off and shake the night off of me. I had to say goodbye to the faces in the ceiling.

I inched my way out of my cozy cave and made my way to the living room. Mac was already up tending to the plants scattered around the house.

As I shuffled my way into the room, he turned to face me with an expression of anticipation, "Good morning big baller, did someone return richer than they left yesterday?"

Any other day I would just answer him honestly, but I feel like I deserved a bit of humor.

I put on the best nervous face I could muster and spoke my words slowly, "No, um, I actually lost it all." I drop my head to hide the smile growing.

The small watering can that was held in his grip, falls to the floor as his eyes widen in disbelief.

"Y-you what? How could you lose our money? I told you grey, money over ego." He spits his words out a million miles an hour. "We are so totally screwed now, we have nothing." he buries his head in his hands out of nervousness and I watch as little curls fall into his face.

I toss my head up and let out a loud laugh as he stands before me frightened. "Oh my gosh i'm kidding." He lets out a breath I didn't realize he was holding in. "Well kinda kidding."

I sit myself onto the couch and make myself comfortable as he turns back around to tend to the plants.

"You're really fucked up, you know that?" He shakes his head, "And what the hell do you mean kinda? You either lost the money or not. That's like saying you're 'kinda' pregnant, you either are or aren't."

"Mm no, see, that's where you are wrong." I say shaking my finger at him.

"You remember that guy from the other night. Tall, Gree-" I'm cut off as he begins to speak.

"Green eyes, looks like an absolute asshole. Yes, I remember. What about him?" He stays standing with his back turned towards me.

"Well if you stopped asking so many questions i could tell you," I mock lightly. "I played him last night. The first time we tied and I got really cocky so I went all in. I threw down the 100k and then I lost."