Deliverance [h.s.]

forty-six | four letters

Scared to death of dying, not really knowing you, you

Every shade of blue

Every Shade Of Blue || The Head and the Heart

*************

Harry's P.O.V.

There are so many four letter words I could use to describe her.

She's Grey, but she's also my baby blue.

She's hope.

She's safe, she's sure.

She's love and lust.

But my favorite one of all; she's home.

She is everything I didn't know I wanted, I didn't know I needed. I have spent my years on this shit planet yearning for the feeling only she can give me. A feeling i didn't even know fucking existed until her.

I could lie to myself and say I didn't know how it happened or when but I knew there was something different about her the moment she pressed her gun to my head. Modern romance is fucking crazy because somehow, someway she ignited a fire inside of me without even knowing her name. I told myself it was hate, anger that drove me to her but it's bullshit, all of it is complete bullshit.

I've never burned for someone the way I do for blue. I didn't know it was possible to feel the way I do when I'm with her, when I think of her, when I dream of her. Then, I catch myself in these moments and I try to piece it all together how someone could make me feel these things and it always adds up to her.

I haven't stopped smiling since i stepped out of her front door, caught myself in the rearview mirror and thought about beating my own ass for being such a cunt whipped bitch but damn, it feels too fucking good with her.

For fucks sake i spent the entire ride to Steele's thinking of all my favorite four lettered words to describe her and no matter what i always end up back with home.

I felt sick the second I told her, wanting to shove the words back down my throat. I thought she was going to look at me in horror, disgusted with the weak little bitch staring back at her but she looked at me in ways I've never seen her before.

Surface level; happy, elated, touched, honored.

But deep down; there was something more, an emotion I couldn't figure out.

I wanted to cave, tell her I loved her again but I'd be lying. I don't love her, i don't even know what the fuck love is. Yet, my mind keeps running right fucking back to it like a goddamn boomerang.

I think I'm stuck, like I can't get away even if I wanted to. She's got me fucking trapped, entranced; i'm fucking putty in her hand, a little melted ball of goo and it feels scary in the most liberating way.

I've never felt more free with someone, with myself. She brings out the best in me, hell, I didn't even know I had a best. Don't get me wrong, i fucking suck like deep deep level fucking piece of shit but with her, i'm a little better than when i'm alone.

Walking through the halls of Steele's home-office, all I can think about is her. The bright in her eyes as she scanned the paintings on the walls, the smile on her face as she sat on the bathroom counter, the way the sun mixed with cigar smoke as it shadowed her.

Yea, i'm a fucking bitch.

I took a deep breath in, holding it as I generously knocked one time before letting myself in without hesitation. Steele's 'come in' was cut off by my entrance, a deadened expression on his face as he peered to me.