Deliverance [h.s.]

forty-five | confessions

If the old me met the new me

She'd probably try to stop me

Golf On T.V. || Lennon Stella ft. JP Saxe

*************

This is apart of a double update, be sure to read chapter 44 before starting this one! Enjoy babies! <3

*************

"Why do you like me?" I avoided looking at Harry, scared for his answer as I focused on tracing the outline of the dainty cross necklace.

I feel embarrassed and so so so fucking guilty. After last night, I wouldn't be surprised if he hated me as much as I hate myself for letting him see me that way.

When I woke up this morning I thought he was gone for sure. It wasn't until I saw him standing by the coffee pot, pouring sugar all over the counter; that's when the shame set in.

I think it would've been easier to accept him leaving me to myself, i wouldn't have to look him in the face and know that he's seen that side of me. It wasn't his burden to bear, I never wanted him to have to deal with me like that.

I know I scared him, probably as much as I scared Elias the first time it happened. Even Harry was convinced I needed to go to the hospital which broke my heart more than I thought it ever could.

I think I was overly emotional last night, because the moment I saw a glass of juice and a snack in Harry's hand; i was ready to burst into tears. I didn't know shit like that could have such an effect on me but I was fully prepared to sob over a snack and juice last night.

He never rushed me, bugged me, got upset with me; he just sat on the floor across from me ready to help if need be. So many moments I wanted to throw the towel in and just fade into darkness but that wouldn't be fair; I don't deserve an easy way out like that.

Waking up, I seriously debated if my body would feel more or less worse had I got hit by a bus instead and after a lot of mental debating I can safely say, a bus would have felt a million times better.

After an extremely painful five minute walk to the kitchen from my bedroom; Harry was the first and only thing I saw that mattered to me. I stood for a while in silence watching him, though I don't think he knew that.

I watched him fumble with the coffee pot, spill the sugar along my countertop and silently beat himself up. Eventually I decided he had suffered enough and interrupted him. The sentiment was sweet, shocking more than anything but sweet undoubtedly.

Its moments like those that reflect in the way I speak of him. I mean every word I say when I tell him how thoughtful and gentle he is because it's the truth. It's devastating to watch him deny himself of the good qualities within but I guess that just means I'll have to stick around; a constant reminder that he can be both abrasive and delicate.

I took a deep breath in, sinking into my spot beside him as I listened to the sounds of the cogs turning in his mind as he conjured up an answer for me. My hand toying with his necklace, his hand gently placed against my chest and his chin propped up against the top of my head; I feel at peace.

Laying here, it feels as if he was made just for me. With his hand rested so effortlessly on my chest, it almost feels as if it were my own.

"I like you because you are- fuck; how do i put this?" His voice drifted to a whisper before using his free hand to pull my chin up, eyes directing to his.