Deliverance [h.s.]

thirty-three | guilt

But I've got plans to get to you

You know, don't you know

Plans || Oh Wonder

*************

"Well if you just quit moving, I would have finished a long time ago." Harry's eyes fluttered up at me, his dimples forming deep indents as his smile widened.

"I'm sorry, how inconsiderate of me to squirm while you clean my gunshot wound. I'll have to work on that." I giggled out as Harry put the final strip of tape to my side.

When we came in from the garage, I went straight to the bathroom. The bandage had been bled through, the white cloth turned a deep red stain. It didn't hurt, but I think I was too focused on other things to care if I was in pain or not.

Harry helped me onto the counter so he could tend to my side just like he had done at Steele's. He was intently focused on his task, which made him an easy target to mess with. I guess fake screaming in pain to startle him wasn't too funny to him, however, i thought it was fucking hilarious.

I heard Mac get home a little bit ago, followed by him running in and out of the house to retrieve what I assume is groceries from his car. I hadn't had a chance to talk to him since this morning so I wasn't sure what the plan was for tonight.

I wanted to ask Harry about the payment from Steele, but the last time we discussed money it ended in an argument. I know I'll get it at some point, but I have a very important deadline and if i don't have the money in 39 days; then this is all for nothing.

I hadn't heard anything more about Elias since the text I received. I feel guilty; for leaving him there, for not wanting to see him, for living a life that doesn't have him in it. I feel guilty for everything.

I feel scattered; broken and spread in a million different places. Not a single piece of me feels whole. I can't change the things that happen, but I can make it right; I can fix what's broken.

Harry gave a final rub to my side, adhering the tape to my skin before helping me down from the counter with ease. I signaled him a small nod of gratitude, cleaning up the miscellaneous supplies on the bathroom counter before making my way out of the door.

The door creaked open, the only sound I could hear throughout the house as I stepped out. I shuffled down the short hallway with Harry in tow, my eyes scanning the photo covered walls as we walked.

Each photo is a snapshot of life, a moment frozen in time. I wish I could go back to a simpler time, but nothing was ever simple. It's always been a mess of chaos, a functional dysfunction of disarray. We never had the privilege of simplicity and maybe it's best that way.

Without every moment of anguish, life would have never led me here.

Without my grandma, I wouldn't have Elias.

Without the abuse, I wouldn't have Mac.

Without the bad, I would have never appreciated the good.

Without the dark, I wouldn't have found my light.

I took one last look at the walls, biting back a subtle smile. The house was quiet, like abnormally fucking quiet; which put me on high alert.

I slowed my pace down, checking the bedrooms as I walked but there was nothing; until I stepped into the living room. I turned to my right to see Mac standing in the kitchen, a giddy smile on his face while Jax sat at the dining table.