Deliverance [h.s.]

fourteen | night night

I still fuckin' hate myself

I still fuckin' can't accept me

Never Satisfied || CORPSE

*************

I've always had a love-hate relationship with nighttime. It's so easy to get lost in the quiet of the night, but it's also so simple to slip into suffocating silence. I've never been good at delegating feelings, learning how to cope with what's going on around me. With every bad turn, broken spirit, burnt bridge, I have shrugged it off with a simple 'it is what it is' because I don't know anything else. What I do know very well, is just how much of a love hate relationship I have with the dark.

I love how peaceful the world seems when it's dark. The way the sound of passing cars dissipates as the sunsets, how most animals sleep when we're supposed to sleep. I love having my own time to think without any external interruptions. On the other hand, I hate how the silence of the night strangles you at the worst times, choking back tears that aren't meant for anyone else to hear. Drowning in your own thoughts while the world around you swims by.

I love how the stars sparkle in the twilight, wishing on every falling asteroid I can find. I hate when those wishes never come true, making the stars seem like a facade.

I love midnight because I'm one step closer to righting my wrongs and saving someone who would die to save me. I hate nights, specifically tonight, because I'm stuck with Harry and Jax for the foreseeable future.

The one thing I have nothing but love for, is the fact that this is the last night I'll be with Harry, I could never hate that.

Harry and Jax had come to pick me up a half hour ago. They had come to my house in a different car, I'm assuming it was Jax since I had never seen it before. Harry and I had already had a tiff over the phone before he came to collect me from my house, with him insisting on me not bringing a gun. He told me he didn't want to risk me fucking anything up by waving my gun around, standing firm on his demand for me to not bring it.

So I brought my gun.

"I don't understand why I cant fucking come, I always go with you." Jax's voice is thick with envy as he navigates the empty streets.

Jax and Harry have been bickering since the moment I stepped into the car. I could sense the tension between them before either of them spoke. I think Jax is just slightly jealous that he's not going with Harry and I today, which is understandable considering it seems to always have been just the two of them before Mac and I came along.

"How many fucking times do we have to go over this man? I need you to stay back and wait for a call incase we need anything. What would we do if the two of us went and she had to come rescue us? We'd be fucked, she can't help." Harry drags his hands down his face, tossing his head back in frustration.

"I know she wouldn't be useful in that situation but I still don't get why I can't just tag along." Jax tries to reason from his spot in the driver's seat.

My face twists with annoyance, "I'm fucking sitting right here?"

"Sorry Grey, it's nothing personal. I just think I would do a better job." Jax eyes meet mine as he looks at me through the rearview mirror.

"Honestly you can take my spot if you'd like, I'd much rather do your job." I state back with honesty, shrugging my shoulders.

"No offense, but that means nothing coming from you, Harry is the one who doesn't want me to come because he's a fucking dick, so he needs to be the one to invite me."