Deliverance [h.s.]

forty-three | almost

Hey Lord, you know I'm tired

Hey Lord, you know I'm tired

I'm Tired || Labrinth 

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When I was 12 I had my first panic attack.

Not the kind where your stomach hurts or you just want to crawl out of your skin; no, it was the type where you feel as if your heart is going to stop at any moment. The kind where you can see the room closing in on you. How your lungs shut off, your body forgetting how to maintain its life.

The kind where you drive yourself to the hospital, tell your family you love them, plan your last will and testaments in your mind as you silently plead for just five more minutes to say your goodbyes.

The first few times I did go to the hospital; Elias thought I was having a heart attack or going into anaphylactic shock but by the time we were checked in and seen, the storm had settled and all that was left was the unfathomable exhaustion.

It wasn't until the fifth or sixth time we had figured out how to help me, how to help myself. Id sit on the floor, tuck myself into a ball, eyes pinched closed, ears covered while quietly humming to soothe the panic. When it inevitably died down, Elias would have a glass of juice beside me with a small snack of whatever he could grab from the cabinet the quickest.

When they would start, I knew it would eventually end but with that came the knowledge that it was only a matter of time till another wave would come. Sometimes it would be days, weeks but most times I was only lucky to get a few hours of peace. A constant, unforgiving cycle of internalized torture.

They stopped around the time I turned 20, around the same time my life truly found some stability. I almost forgot what they felt like until recently; almost.

Almost; what a sick fucking joke. To be so close to something but coming up short.

I almost had a normal life.

I almost felt safe.

I almost forgot all of the pain.

And for one awful, regrettable moment; I almost forgot about Elias.

The sound of his broken voice coming through my phone speaker, barely recognizable, made me feel like I was 12 again.

A little girl, terrified, silently begging for just five more minutes.

"Well, good chat; I look forward to seeing you soon," The unrecognizable male voice spoke coldly before cutting the line.

In a moment of panic, true panic; i didn't think about myself. I didn't deserve to think about myself. My mind ran through the call, analyzing every word I could remember.

Elias, Harry, Mac– Mac.

My body spun around, Harry only a step behind me reminding me I wasn't alone. His lips were moving, eyes darting around my face but I couldn't hear anything except a deafening ringing in my ears. His hands reached out to grab my wrist, trying to pull me back to earth but it was no use.

The world felt like it was moving in slow motion but my brain was in overdrive; playing a million scenarios with each of them ending in misery, the common denominator of me.

I ripped my keys from the nightstand, stepping into my shoes without even bothering to pull the backing over my heel. I turned rapidly, head spinning on a swivel only to be stopped dead in my tracks by Harry's stone wall of a body in front of me.