Recovery

21 Days To Break A Habit

Day 1: I cried so hard that it scared my father; he spent the night outside my bedroom door just to make sure I didn't stop breathing like a newborn in her crib the first week.

Day 2: I went to work and cried in the bathroom.

Day 3: I believe I was cured, now I think my mind was playing a cruel joke on me.

Day 4: I told you I missed you and you replied with "thank you."

Day 5: I saw a picture of you on Instagram and it lit my throat on fire so I burned your love letters over the flame.

Day 6: I smoked with a boy on his back porch and he asked questions you were afraid of but still I couldn't kiss him on his couch.

Day 7: I couldn't sleep because I kept dreaming of you kissing other girls on your couch.

Day 8: I gave you all of your stuff back and you thought I looked like a warrior but really I went home and cried an entire ocean into existence.

Day 9: I laughed without you.

Day 10: I kept finding excuses to text you and you kept ignoring me.

Day 11: I cried until my stomach heaved itself up and I slept next to the toilet in case those nasty dreams came again.

Day 12: Since when is heartbreak so goddamn romantic? There is nothing pretty about losing feeling in my knuckles after squeezing my hands so tight to keep from texting you.

Day 13: I could never squeeze them tight enough; I could never have imagined that you would be so good at letting me fade. 

Day 14: The doubt makes my spine feel less like vertebrae and more like a giant icicle (you never loved me).

Day 15: I found out you had replaced me and it flicked at my bruises but my ribs didn't break.

Day 16: I told everyone about you and they said you were stupid for leaving but I think you were stupid for staying the first time you sliced my heart on the side of the road.

Day 17: I didn't think about you for an entire night because I was drunk in bed someone else.

Day 18: What color were your eyes? How big were your hands? Where was that freckle on your face that I used to look at while you slept?

Day 19: Sometimes all I feel in my chest is my heart trying to break out of its cage. I think it's tired of everything I have put it through.

Day 20: I'm sorry I couldn't ignore your birthday; I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

Day 21: This was a shitty poem about a shitty person but I don't think of you so much anymore.